


Cross My Heart and Hope to Die

by DarkDemon



Category: Black Butler, Kuroshitsuji
Genre: Angst, Bartender Sebastian, Fluff, Hah Gaaaaaaaaaaaay, M/M, Minor Character Death, Modern AU, Pediatrics Nurse Ciel, Reincarnation AU, Sad, What am I even doing with my life?, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-05-18 19:50:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5941030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkDemon/pseuds/DarkDemon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In life, everyone knows the feelings of deja vu, oddly placed memories of things you've never experienced, reoccurring dreams or nightmares, phobias that we can't explain. And we all push them aside, we never think about them again, and we move on with our lives.<br/>Ciel, working as a nurse in London, is no exception to this. Especially when he comes across a guy who had taken particular interest in him. The deja vus happen more often than they used to and things he'd never heard of seemed so familiar to him, but he pushes them away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The distant sound of chatting. Dinging of glass cups and plates with some clinking of silverware. Soft music barely audible. Unfamiliar faces in a sea of people in seats or walking around. Outside this dismal cafe a storm was clashing. The rain poured down with soft pitter patters on the window, sometimes hitting harder, other times slowing down with the wind. The sky was dark and made everything seem grey and unrealistic, like a painting done in dark shades. Every so often a bright flash of lighting would break through the dark, followed quickly by a roaring thunder crashing down on the earth. 

A bored expression and blue eyes that resembled the look of the weather outside, Ciel sat at his usual booth, staring out the window. On days like this, not very many people came by and the ones who did were often in a hurry to get out of the rain. He didn’t pay attention to faces, mostly what they were doing. He liked to think about where they were going and what they may be doing. 

He often came to this small cafe, so much so that the workers and the owner knew him well enough to call him by name. They knew what he liked, too, so he didn’t have to speak when he walked in. He could take his seat and they would bring his usual tea to him. It was always strong black tea. 

This was something he did almost every day. His normal routine consisted getting up, getting dressed, going to the cafe for a while, then heading to work. On the days he didn’t work, he’d stay at the cafe for hours in silence, listening to the sounds around him and watching the people outside. This was one of those days. He was given the day off and so he’d gotten himself ready and headed to his normal home away from home. 

No one ever bothered him, so he was comfortable sitting there. Every once in awhile one of the waiters or waitresses would come over to get him fresh tea, say a quick hello or comment on the weather, then leave again. It was peaceful, for the most part. It was relaxing to him. 

Occasionally he’d bring a book to read to pass time. It helped, especially on days he didn’t work. There had been more than one time he’d started a book and finished it in the time he sat at the cafe. 

As he stared out the window, he was beginning to think he should have brought a book. Today was a slow day and he wanted something to pass time, but had nothing with him. All he could do was stare out the window and watch the rain and people. 

At some point, a man had stopped for a moment, noticing how Ciel was staring blankly out. He barely paid notice to the guy, it happens from time to time and all he can do about it was look away from them. And that’s what he did to this guy. It seemed to work. He continued on his path again and Ciel was able to sit and stare outside more. 

“Excuse me,” the voice of someone he didn’t know spoke out to him. “Is anyone sitting with you?” 

Taken from his thoughts, he was forced to tear his gaze from the outside world and look at the person. It was the man from outside just a moment before. Now that he was inside, Ciel was able to better see his features. He had dark black hair, almost an impossible shade, honey-red eyes, as well as a charming and kind smile. There was something about him that he thought he could almost trust. 

He shook his head, not replying with words. 

“Would you mind if I sat here?” 

A moment of thought on that. He didn’t know if wanted some stranger sitting with him. Although, it would be a nice change on how the day was going. In the end, he allowed the new man to sit across from him. As he sat down, he kept his eyes on Ciel and in turn, Ciel kept his eyes on him. 

“I’m Sebastian.” the man introduced, “Sebastian Michaelis.” 

“Ciel Phantomhive.” was the reply he got from the quiet voice of a reclusive person. 

For a moment, it seemed like Sebastian was contemplating how to respond and where it might get him or what might happen. 

“That’s a really nice name.” 

Ciel didn’t have anything to say in return, so he gave a small nod to show thanks and looked out the window again, completely aware of eyes lingering on him. It was a disturbing feeling, but with the warm eyes of the stranger, it was also oddly comforting. He tried not to act different then he had been. He didn’t want this guy to know that there was a pit of nervousness stuck in his stomach. 

“I apologize if I intruded on something. I just noticed the sad look in your eyes and thought you might want someone to talk to.” 

It wasn’t exactly a nice thing to say to someone, but Ciel knew it was true. He probably did have a constant sad expression or sad mood to his eyes. He chose not to look at Sebastian. He wondered if this stranger was determined to talk to him or if he would leave if nothing was said to him. He wasn’t even sure which one he wanted. 

“But,” Sebastian started and out of the corner of his eye, Ciel could see a smile tugging at his lips, “Your eyes are rather lovely as well.” 

Now that was flirting. He took his eyes off the wet streets and looked back at Sebastian. It was like turning his sights from winter to spring. The dark outside looked cold and dead, but when he looked at this complete stranger, he could feel warmness wash over him, an alive sensation. In connecting eyes, he became overly aware of his heartbeat and where his hands were resting, even of how he was sitting. The noises around him seemed to go silent. There was something so familiar about this face he didn’t recognize. He felt like maybe, in some way, he knew him. 

A warm hand slid over his own. His heart skipped. A shiver ran down his spine and he found himself completely unable to turn his gaze away from the stranger across the table, with his smile and eyes that held a compassion he’d only seen in the eyes of people who deeply love another person.  

He wasn’t sure what to think about the situation, his mind seemed to go blank, a clean slate replacing what should have been thoughts to act in some way, no matter the way. He couldn’t get his voice to work and his muscles were frozen. 

“Ciel,” there was familiarity in the way he spoke the name, there was something in his voice that could only be described as deep affection. “Would you go on a date with me?” 

“No.” his voice sounded for him. He didn’t even have to think over it. 

He was finally able to pull his hand away, leaning back in his seat and away from the stranger across from him. He had enough sense in him to deny a date request from someone he’d literally just met and who had been rather creepily flirting with him. Not enough charm in the world would get him to say yes to that. 

But, there was still something in his heart that ached at the sight of disappointment on the man’s face. He tried not to pay much attention to it as he got his wallet out, set the money to pay for his drinks on the table, put the wallet away, then stood. 

“Sorry, I’ve got to go.” he said quickly, turning and walking away, leaving the cafe completely.

He didn’t even look back as he left the building and headed down the street to go back to his apartment. He was done interacting with people for the day. He’d just go back to his flat and find whatever to do. He’d probably end up reading and doing nothing else for the day. 

  
  


The next morning came with an alarm in the ear as usual. He had to work today. He got up and got dressed his work uniform: scrubs that had different types of wild animals on them. Working as pediatrics nurse, he had to wear family friendly scrubs that wouldn’t stress the kids out and didn’t look like a prison uniform, he had a white long sleeved shirt on under it. His name tag was tucked in the front pocket of the shirt, he’d put it on when he actually had to be at work. 

Getting on his pure white shoes, he grabbed his wallet and left the flat, locking it behind him. It was one of those days where he didn’t have to be at the doctor’s office he worked at for several hours still, so he was able to go to the cafe before work. 

It was still a little rainy outside with light colored clouds lingering in the skies above. No rain really dropped onto the ground, none that came from the sky, at least. The water dripped from gutters and from roofs. There were puddles on the concrete below his feet and the chilled air caused a few bumps to pop up on his arms. 

The warm sanctuary of the cafe was welcomed to him. The smells of coffee hitting his nose brilliantly. The workers here had seem him in his uniform many times, but he didn’t think it actually hit them what he did. He waved to the owner, who seemed to be working that day, and took his normal seat at the booth. 

It was rather peaceful both inside the cafe and out. there weren’t very many people inside and only a few passersby came outside. The day seemed to give a bit more liveliness to those who stepped outside, but still kept a lot inside. The music overhead seemed louder today, as he was actually able to hear the songs. 

When a barista brought him his tea, he gave her a quiet “thank you” and sipped on the warm liquid, the same familiar taste covering his mouth. He could feel the warmth of the tea slid down to his stomach, it was refreshing in its own way. In his thoughts, he could barely hear the bell ring to alert the workers of a new customer walking in. 

He could hear a slightly familiar voice ask for a black coffee, but wasn’t sure who it belonged to. This was answered in only a matter of a moment. The tall and familiar face of the man who’d talked to him the day before came striding over to the table. 

“Mind if I sit with you again?” he asked. 

At least he was polite. 

“I can’t stop you, can I?” 

The man sat down across from him once again. What was his name again? Oh, it was Sebastian. An easy enough name to remember. It was the same name of his childhood dog, so he shouldn’t have trouble remembering it. 

“Still gloomy outside, huh?” Sebastian asked, obviously trying to make conversation. His eyes were focused outside the window, not at Ciel. 

With a shrug, Ciel replied, “I don’t mind this kind of weather. I actually kind of like it.” 

“I can see where some people would like it.” 

He could hear the song change over them. 

“ _ So here’s another day, I spend away from you…” _

It was vaguely familiar to him, but he wasn’t sure where he’d hear it before. Probably at the office. He heard a lot of songs every day there. They always had it on the popular songs stations so that the kids would feel better and relax more. After all, studies showed that people are less stressed when listening to music than when they’ve taken anxiety pills. 

A barista came over with Sebastian’s coffee, setting it down and giving him a smile. Ciel watched her for a moment before letting his own eyes fall to the tea in front of him. He could feel Sebastian’s eyes watching him. 

“You’re a nurse?” he asked after a silent moment. 

There was something different today. The day before, he seemed to be almost impatient about seeing him and dating him, but he seemed to have realized his mistake and was being polite and getting to know him. It was nice.

“Yeah. A pediatrics nurse.” Ciel replied. 

“Oh? I didn’t picture you as the children’s type.”

“... _ And I do want to show you I…” _

“Yeah well, I’d prefer helping children who can handle more than whiny ass adults who think they know more than those with medical degrees.” he paused and gave a small smirk, “But don’t tell anyone I said that.” 

_ “Will run to you to you til I…” _

A small chuckle is what he got in return. 

_ “Can’t stand on my own anymore I…”  _

In perfect time with the song, Sebastian spoke, “Cross my heart and hope to die.” 

It must have been coincidence, right? He really doubted that this man who seemed like he only listened to a certain kind of music, if any at all, would have heard this song enough to know the words. His smirk had sunk off his face and all he could do was sit silently and stare at the Sebastian. 

“Something wrong?” Sebastian asked, the plastered on smile falling just a little bit, his eyes filling with the worry he was trying to hide. 

Ciel couldn’t say anything for a short moment before finally shaking his head and muttering. “No… No nothing.” 

His voice sounded a little skeptical, but he nodded and said, “Okay.” 

They sat there mostly silent for a little bit more. Every once in awhile Sebastian would say something to start up conversation, but Ciel would give a short reply and it would be over. 

Almost losing track of the time, Ciel checked his phone and realized that he should be leaving. 

“I’ll pay for you.” Sebastian said as he reached for his wallet. “Go on.” 

Hardly wanting to accept it, he hesitantly nodded and gave a quick goodbye, turning away.

_ “...Take me with you I start to miss you…”  _

Ciel paused at the door of the cafe, glancing back to the booth where Sebastian sat alone, sipping his coffee and paying no mind to the world around. 

_ “Take me home I don’t wanna be alone tonight…”  _

He could faintly hear the song disappear as he left the place, heading to the nearest bus stop, the one he took most days of the week to his job. 


	2. Chapter 2

He was off again, but he welcomed it. It was his first off day in seven days. Each day that passed, he’d go to the cafe, Sebastian would soon get there as well, and they would chat while drinking tea and coffee. It was a change to his world to have someone there with him, but he grew to enjoy it. 

As always, Ciel made his way to the cafe. Walking up to it, he noticed that Sebastian was standing next to the door, seemingly waiting for him. He slowed and kept his eyes on him. 

“What are you doing?” he asked when he was close enough. 

Sebastian hadn’t seemed to be paying attention and so his eyes snapped to him quickly, almost like he was surprised. When he realized who was speaking, a smile spread across his face. 

“I was waiting for you. You know, you come here every day. It’s a bit redundant, don’t you think?” 

“I like it here.” 

“You need a change of scenery. Come on, let’s go somewhere.” 

Ciel wasn’t sure if he wanted to. He’d grown to look forward to going to the cafe every day and greatly enjoyed it. He glanced up at the sky. The day  _ was  _ clear and the weather was perfect for being out and about instead of cooped up inside a building. 

“Okay fine.” he agreed with a sigh. 

He wondered if Sebastian had pre-existing plans he’d been thinking of since the day before or if this was something he had just thought up and decided. He followed Sebastian closely while he walked with a purpose. 

“Where are we going?” 

“Not sure.” 

Well then. He seemed to have been set on some place, or you’d think with the way he was walking, but he really had no idea what they were doing. Ciel decided to not complain, though. He was already feeling like it was a good idea to not go inside the cafe. He was, for once, getting fresh air and utilizing the time he didn’t have to spend at work. 

In the city, there were a lot of things to do. There were parks, museums, the zoo, etc. If they didn’t have anywhere particular, they’d probably stop at the closest one of the attractions that interested them. 

They walked for a while in silence, nothing being brought up. They simply walked next to each other, each looking around them at everything there was. There didn’t seem to be a need for words, they seemed just fine without them. 

“How about the art museum?” Sebastian suggested as they stopped outside a large building. 

“Okay.” Ciel agreed. 

They went up to the doors of the place. It was free to enter, so all they had to do was stop by the informations desk to get a pamphlet, then they were free to roam as they pleased. 

The museum was large. Well, as big as you’d think an art museum is was. It had four floors, all huge in a space. Escalators took visitors up to the different floors, allowing for easier access around the building. 

The first floor didn’t have any exhibits. It had the large informations desk, a gift shop, and a few hanging sculptures that would keep interest of kids waiting for their parents to get pamphlets and get done talking to people. 

He and Sebastian made their way up to the second floor. It was more spacious than the first floor seemed. There were couches and chairs in a small resting area and what seemed like normal wall painting going high above them. There were sections cut off by walls that organized the art. The only two sections on the second floor were Native American and Victorian times art.

Ciel wasn’t sure why they were put on the same floor, but he wasn’t about to complain. After all, he was a visitor in the museum, not a worker. He followed Sebastian into the Victorian era art, looking around at the hyperrealistic paintings. They creeped him out a bit, how well they were painted. It felt like he was being watched by actual people instead of oil based paints. Still, he envied the ability of the artists. 

Sebastian seemed to be not-so-interested in it. He gave each painting a quick look before looking head. 

“Is there something specific you’re wanting to see?” Ciel asked quietly. 

“I’m just wondering if they have a certain painting here.” 

“Would it be in this sections?” 

“Yes, definitely.” 

There was a silent moment between them, then Ciel spoke, “You’ll have to show me when you find it, then.” 

Sebastian gave him a nod before he continued his slow search through the paintings and sculptures.

Ciel remained silent as he walked next to him. His mind began to wonder away from the artworks, thinking about if this counted as a date or if it was friends spending time together. He supposed it would count as a date if they had mutual feelings for each other. And he didn’t have feelings for him. Even if he did, he’d so rudely denied Sebastian the first time he’d asked for a date that he doubted Sebastian wanted any romantic relationship with him anymore. But it didn’t matter because he didn’t have romantic feelings for him. Yeah. 

“There it is.” Sebastian said suddenly, causing Ciel to jump slightly. 

Ciel turned his attention to the painting Sebastian was looking at. 

It wasn’t any different from the styles of the paintings around it and it was even the same color pallets. It blended into the time period well, almost too well. It was painting in dark, depressing colors and showed two figures. One was sitting and the other was standing behind the chair. It looked like a nobleman and probably his butler. 

The nobleman looked young, his legs didn’t even reach the ground and butler towered over even the tall chair. The kid wore an eye patch and looked remarkably grumpy. 

There was something oddly familiar about both of the figures. He had to admit, the grumpy kid looked somewhat like he did as a kid, but that was probably just a coincidence. Still, his attention was caught by the painting. There was something that drew him to it. He stepped closer to it so he could examine the brush strokes and the faces. The butler seemed amused with his life, like he’d made a deal with the noble boy about something. Something in his gut felt that it was so familiar, like the story of this painting was on the tip of his tongue. 

He had taken an art class in college, thinking that might be what he wanted to do before changing his mind. Maybe in the art history, they’d talked about this painting and he just didn’t remember it. 

“It’s an interesting painting, but it’s not much different from the others around it.” Ciel commented. 

It seemed like Sebastian wasn’t able to reply for a minute, maybe from shock or whatever reason. 

“It shows a little bit of history.” he finally replied. 

Ciel turned away, looking at some other paintings around the area. “I suppose so.” 

He continued through the Victorian era paintings, glad to get out of them when the section was finished. He didn’t much care for the painting style. The sculptures had been interesting, though. He was impressed on how much a slate of stone could look like an actual person and have folds like actual clothes. 

The next section on the floor they were on was the traditional Japanese paintings and pottery and sculptures. 

They moved through the section and went up to the next floor that had Ancient Art of the Americas and American Sculptures and Painting. After the Victorian Era art, Sebastian didn’t seemed interested as much, even though Ciel was. 

Ciel enjoyed art. He liked looking at the different paintings and enjoying how the artists did such profession brush strokes and was able to put together something so beautiful. He really enjoyed going to the art museum, but he mostly slept on his days off if not spend the whole day at the cafe, so he hardly got out to go. 

They walked through the sections at a slow pace so they could see everything that was there, chatting about the paintings or about anything they were thinking about at the moment. It was a nice, somewhat peaceful time. 

Somewhere, as they continued through the museum, Sebastian’s hand had wrapped around Ciel’s and his fingers had slid between his own, intertwining them. 

The feeling of the larger hand around his cause his heart to beat quicker in his chest and arose a swarm of butterflies in his stomach. Still, it felt so familiar to him, like he’d felt Sebastian’s hand around his own before. He shoved the feeling away and focused on continuing through the museum without putting much attention on the fact that they were holding hands. 

A long time of silence between them passed as they continued walking through the museum, looking at the different art in the different sections. 

“Sebastian,” Ciel finally spoke, keeping his eyes on the art, “Is this…” he paused, unsure of how to word his question. “Are we on a date?” 

He wasn’t sure what Sebastian would answer, but somewhere in him, he wanted it to be a yes. He wanted them to be on a date. 

It was crazy, or it seemed like it was to him. He had been denying any feelings he was growing for Sebastian for the past week. It was so quick to grow feelings for someone who was a complete stranger. Didn’t these things normally take months? But somewhere in his heart, he knew he’d had some sort of feelings for the guy since day one. Almost like love at first sight or a lost love that he was getting back. A deja vu love feeling.  _ That  _ was crazy. 

“I’d say so, yes.” Sebastian replied, pulling him out of his thoughts. 

Ciel didn’t reply, he simply looked forward, avoiding catching eyes with Sebastian. 

Dates weren’t really his thing. He’d actually never actually been on one. He’d had a few pretend dates as a kid, but not real dates. He never really cared for people, so he wouldn’t actively look for someone to date. 

As their walk through the museum neared an end, they started chatting more comfortably with each other. Or, at least, Ciel had been chatting more comfortably. He still couldn’t quite put his finger on why he was comfortable around Sebastian, or why it felt like they’d known each other before. 

“Are you hungry?” Sebastian asked while they went down the several escalators it took to get back to the bottom floor of the building. 

“A bit.” 

“Where do you want to go eat, then?” 

“I don’t really care.” 

They went silent as they left the museum and went down the streets. It wasn’t long before Sebastian stopped at a street vendor who was selling pretzels. He paid for one and handed it to Ciel. 

“Aren’t you hungry?” 

“Not really. I had a large breakfast.” 

Ciel was a bit self conscious about eating when Sebastian wasn’t, but he ate anyway. He wouldn’t just let his money go to waste. 

He seemed to recall a time deep in his memory that was similar to what was happening. Except, it seemed like he was eating something sweet from a store instead of vendor food. That was impossible, though, since he hadn’t met Sebastian before recently. He must just be imagining things. 

The two of them continued to walk through busy London streets while Ciel ate his pretzel. They were slowly making their way back to the cafe, where they would probably part ways for the day and head back to their homes. And that was okay with Ciel. It had been a rather good day, the first one he’d had in a long time. 

By the time they got to the cafe, Ciel had long since finished the food and they had been talking about this and that, the normal things people tend to talk about. Things they like, things they don’t like. Agreeing and disagreeing on things. 

As they didn’t know where one another lived, they had to stop outside the cafe. That seemed to be the only place they mutually knew how to get to. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then?” Sebastian asked. 

“Yeah. I’ll be here as always.” 

“I look forward to it.” 

Sebastian made a bold move and leaned down so he could connect their lips to end the date. 

Ciel took a step back to avoid, earning a surprised and slightly embarrassed look. Wow, he didn’t know Sebastian could be embarrassed about anything. It seemed like he only knew how to be cocky. 

“Calm yourself, speed racer.” Ciel said with a smirk, moving around him. “See you tomorrow.” 

“Yeah. See you.” 


	3. Chapter 3

_ A small boy, scared and alone, ran through the halls of a house that was too big for him. He didn’t know all the paths yet that it took to get through the place. Flames licked the walls next to him. He could hear the sound of cracking as wood burned. He was forced to dodge falling pillars to avoid getting burned.  _

_ “Mom! Dad!” he called out in fear, tears streaming over his cheeks.  _

_ No response came. He was so alone in this terrifying place. He was confused on what was happening.  _

_ “Sebastian!” he turned to calling for his dog. He wanted someone, anyone to show up for him, but not even their butler was around.  _

_ He slammed through a door, feeling the hot wood under his hand burn at his skin. The room was ablaze just as everything else was. He couldn’t barely make out two figures sitting in the chairs his parents always sat in. He was frozen to the spot, unable to talk or move. He was going to burn… _

_ His eyes opened to see a cage holding him. He was bruised and cut. He hurt so bad and was terrified of the masked people that came into the room. They were there again, talking and chanting. He prayed for someone to help him, he asked for anyone to come save him.  _

_ It all happened in an instant. A shadowy figure appear in the room. The masked people gasped, screamed, and praised the creature. It ignored them. It’s glowing eyes searched the room, soon landing on him. It opened its mouth to speak…  _

 

Beep. Beep. Beep. Ciel woke to the sound of his alarm. He reached over to turn it off, making it shut up. Slowly, he sat up and let his mind wake up along with him. 

Since he could remember, he was having the same dream repeatedly. Some nights, he’d be blessed with no dreams at all, but when he did dream, it was always that one. Don’t most people have different dreams? 

He pushed himself up off his bed, getting on some Tigger scrubs before heading to his kitchen to eat something so he could have food in stomach. He finished getting ready for the morning and grabbed his things before leaving his apartment to go to the cafe. 

Every time he dreamed, he was especially tired. It was more of a nightmare and it was the only thing he could think his fear of fire came from, but it was just a dream. He’d grown so used to it. He’d never actually been in a fire or had a bad experience with fire. 

At the cafe, he sat in his normal place, waiting for Sebastian to get there. 

“Hey, Ciel!” he heard a voice call for him, taking him out of any thoughts he might have had. 

Sebastian didn’t usually come this soon and it wasn’t his voice anyway, so he wasn’t sure who it could be. He looked over to the see the smiling face of one of his coworkers. She was a new nurse to the place and was around the same age of him. Today, she was wearing bright pink scrubs, showing that she also had to go to work soon, and her bright blonde hair in a ponytail. 

Ciel swore every time he saw her, her hair was in a different style. How many styles were there for women’s hair? He didn’t want to think about having long hair. It would annoy him and he wouldn’t understand how to put his hair up in the different styles. 

“Hey.” he replied to her as she sat down across from him. 

“You’ve got to work today, too?” 

“How’d you guess?” 

They got along well enough. She was bubbly and always happy whereas Ciel hardly ever showed any emotion and didn’t like people very much. They were nearly complete opposites in personality, but for some reason, they got along. On days that they worked together, they would have lunch break around the same time and so they’d sit and eat together. 

She always had something new to talk about, most of the time things going on in her life. She had one busy schedule, all the time. She did races, painting, photography, charity works. She was certainly doing something every minute of every day. 

Ciel had noticed, though, that she seemed particularly interested in spending her breaks and free time at work with him instead of other friends of hers. 

“Ciel,” the oh-so familiar voice rang through his ears, causing his heart to skip a beat. 

He looked over to see Sebastian standing next to the table. One glance at him showed he was angry about something. he lifted his eyes to Sebastian’s. It seemed like, for a split second, the anger in his eyes caused them to flicker to something different. Something that didn’t seem to be human. He was probably just seeing things. 

“Hey Sebastian.” 

“Sebastian?” His coworker asked with a curious glance at the new mystery man. 

“Yeah. Who are you?” Sebastian snapped.

It seemed like Ciel’s coworker didn't catch the anger. She smiled at him. 

“Oh, I’m sorry! So rude of me! I’m Lizzy. I work with Ciel.” 

“She was here before you, so we’ve been talking.” Ciel added. 

Sebastian didn’t say anything more, he just gave Lizzy a look of pure jealousy. 

Ciel didn’t understand why he was so jealous. They’d been on one date, they technically weren’t even dating, but Sebastian was acting like they’d been dating for years. 

He glanced at the time on his phone, realizing that he really needed to leave. Sebastian had been a bit late.

“Hey, Lizzy. Go on, I’ll meet you by the door, just give me a minute okay?” 

She gave him a confused look, but nodded and got up. 

“Alright. See you, Sebastian. It was nice meeting you.” she said cheerfully as she walked past him and toward the door. 

Ciel waited for her to get out of hearing rang, standing and putting some money on the table. 

“What’s your problem?” he asked Sebastian. 

Sebastian only responded with a look at first, seemingly confused about what he meant. 

“I don’t like her,” he finally retorted. 

“She’s a friend. And besides, it doesn’t matter who you don’t like, you don’t get to chose my friends. We’re not in a relationship.” 

The look on Sebastian’s face as soon as he said that, caused him to immediately regret it. It was something like heartbreak. 

Ciel sighed and looked up at him, catching his eyes. “I’m sorry, but you really don’t control who I’m friends with.” 

With a little bit of thought, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Sebastian, hugging him. He didn’t know why Sebastian was acting like they’d been dating for a long time, but he didn’t much care anymore. He just wanted that heartbroken look off his face. 

He pulled back from Sebastian, “She’s just a friend. Don’t worry.” 

“I understand.” 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

With a short, lingering look, he turned and walked away from Sebastian. Lizzy was waiting outside the cafe, grinning when he stepped out. 

“He seems nice.” she said cheerfully. 

Wow, he didn’t know how someone could literally see the good in everyone.

“He is, on his good days.” 

“How do you know him? Is related to you or something?” 

“No. He’s a friend. I met him at the cafe.” 

She let out a small “ooooh” and smiled at him, going silent as they continued their walked to the office. 

 

He got let off work earlier than usual, but still after dark. The sun had just set when he was let off, so he was still being forced to walk home on the dark. As he stepped outside, the chilly night air hit his face. He pulled his phone from his pocket to check it and saw the ‘1 new message’ text pop up immediately. 

‘When do you get off?’ 

It was from Sebastian and timed for a couple hours before hand. He’d given Sebastian his number a few days ago, but he’d never texted until now. He’d almost forgotten that the man had it in the first place.

‘I just got off. Why?’ 

He decided to linger around the area until Sebastian replied. It didn’t take long until the phone buzzed in his hand. 

‘Meet me at the cafe and we’ll go do something.’ 

‘What if I say no?’ he sent back, despite the fact that he was already heading for the cafe as he typed. 

‘That wouldn’t be nice.’ was the reply he got back

  
  


Ciel decided not to text back. He slipped his phone into his pocket and made his way to the cafe. He saw Sebastian standing there, waiting for him. He wondered if Sebastian was already there when he’d texted Ciel and had just been waiting there or if he went there after Ciel agreed. 

“What are we going to do?” Ciel asked as he got within hearing range. 

“I’ve got something planned. Just come with.” Sebastian replied with a smile, offering his hand for Ciel to take. He accepted it, holding onto his hand as he followed Sebastian to wherever he was taking him. 

It wasn’t a very long walk and Ciel realized that he was being taken to the park. One glance and he noticed that the trees were glowing orange and smoke was bellowing into the sky. Was the park on fire? Sebastian didn’t seem to notice or maybe he didn’t care. As they got closer, Ciel’s heart began to beat faster as fear gripped him. It got harder to breath. He began to worry that he’d have an asthma attack.

“Sebastian…” he said quietly as they approached the ever growing fire. 

He could hear the crackling of it as well as people talking and he realized it wasn’t a forest fire, but a bon fire. It was probably some event the city was holding or something some of Sebastian’s friends were doing, but he didn’t want to go any further into the park. 

His hand tightened around Sebastian’s and he subconsciously moved closer to him, his other hand moving on its own to grab at his arm. Every step felt like he had a ton holding him down. He could hardly move forward. 

“Is something wrong?” Sebastian asked, noticing how afraid he was getting. 

“I…” Ciel started, stopping in his tracks, “I don’t like fire.” 

“Oh? Is there a reason why?” 

“Not one that I’ve found yet. I just don’t like it.” 

“Okay then, change of plans. We’ll go do something else.” 

Ciel nodded and went silent. It was a bit embarrassing to him, his fear of fire. He kept the people he was with from doing things they probably enjoy. But as they left the sight of the bonfire, he felt like he could breath again and he was calming himself down. 

Sebastian seemed to go on thinking for a bit on what they could do besides that. That seemed to be his plan for the night. 

They walked in silence for a while, aimlessly pacing their steps. Without anywhere to go and no suggestions, they found themselves heading toward a different part of the park. It was a more secluded place where less people went mostly for fear of dangerous wild animals. 

In a silent agreement, they headed for those woods. Ducking under low branches and pushing overgrown plants out of the way, they went into it deep. Eventually, they came to a small clearing right next to a stream. 

It was a decent sized stream, definitely big enough for the rushing water to be heard clearly. There were a couple of places to sit, a stump and a rock, so they sat down next to the water. 

Ciel turned his eyes to the thing. He prefered water over anything else. It always calmed him. The moon was shining through the tops of the trees, causing the stream to be illuminated perfectly, moving and breathing as if it were alive. The rocks, smoothed at the bottom from the flowing water, reflected the white light with an almost glowing look to them. 

The water sounded so fake, almost like a replication of moving water from a sound box. The sounds of the night bugs only added to the pretend effects. It was something that could put anyone to sleep. 

“The stream is beautiful,” Ciel said quietly, keeping his eyes on the stream. 

There was a short time of silence before Sebastian spoke, “So are you.” 

The way he spoke caused a hoard of butterflies to erupt in the pit of his stomach. It was so quiet, so honest. His voice dripped affection, something close to love. He looked over at Sebastian, meeting his eyes. 

It seemed like a while that they were silently just looking into each other’s eyes. It was probably only a short moment before Sebastian leaned in and closed the gap between their lips. Ciel could feel his heart skip a beat and felt his cheeks heat up at the feeling of lips sliding together so perfectly. 


	4. Chapter 4

The sounds of the alarm clock were like blasts from a grenade going off right next to Ciel. The little bit of light peeking through his curtains was blinding and every little movement cause his head to pound harder. Slowly, he was able to drag an arm out from under the blanket to turn the beeping off.

For a long moment, all he could do was lay there. He couldn’t get himself to sit up. The world was too much today. Finally, realizing he had to get ready and leave, he slowly sat up, reaching a hand up to apply pressure to his temples. It would be a slow moving day. 

As he got himself up to take medicine and get dressed, he recalled a dream he’d had over the night. It was different from the dream he normally had. The dream of fire had disappeared from his mind for just one night. 

Instead, the dream depicted him and Sebastian as a butler and a master. The scene that played out was the two of them having a deep conversation, but as dreams go, he wasn’t able to understand the words or, at least, he couldn’t remember them. He vaguely remembered seeing a painting that looked like he and Sebastian had in his dream. 

Just the thought of the dream caused his skull to feel like it was cracking, his stomach turning with the threat to make him sick. He pushed the dream away and tried to focus on other things, things that kept him distracted in hopes that it would take the pain away. 

He got himself dressed in a long sleeved under shirt and his scrubs. Once he was completely ready, he headed out to the cafe to meet Sebastian, who was probably already there. He was running very slow. 

As he walked, he found his mind returning to the dream. His surroundings were more evident than usual, every step toward the cafe and toward Sebastian seemed heavy and slow. Now, he could clearly remember Sebastian’s voice speaking to him, speaking secrets to him that they could never say anywhere else. They talked about love and they talked about a contract of sorts. He didn’t understand it. 

He pushed the thoughts away again and continued on his way at a faster pace. He just wanted to get to the cafe, have some tea, and forget everything that was going on his head at the moment. So many thoughts and questions circling around his brain. It was causing a horrible feeling to swell in his stomach. 

Just barely realizing it, he passed a clothing store that displayed all the modern styles and everything teenagers wants, but in his mind and peripheral vision, he saw it as a toy store. Instead of clothes in the window, he saw large stuffed toys and old toy trains as well as a sign that read “Funtom company toys.”

He shook his head to ignore it and made his way to the cafe. As expected, when he walked in, Sebastian was sitting at their table waiting for him. 

After a few more dates and a few more kissing, Ciel had decided that he could call Sebastian his boyfriend. It was odd for him, having a boyfriend. He hadn’t had a date in a long time, not a committed one at least. But Sebastian seemed very committed to him and he was committed to Sebastian. 

“Where have you been?” Sebastian asked, pulling him from his mind. 

He sat down where he usually did, letting out a soft sigh. 

“I’ve been having a slow and… weird morning.” 

“What do you mean?” 

Ciel looked up at Sebastian, paying attention to his features and expressions. He could feel a sinking feeling as he recognized the expression on his face. One of confusion and concern, something he felt like he’d only seen a couple of time, but not anytime recently. His mind could imagine a butler’s uniform on him. 

“I.. uh…” he couldn’t get himself to speak, “Um... “ 

“Are you alright? You’re pale.” 

He closed his eyes and let out a breath. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just not feeling well.” he finally said, putting on a smile for show. 

“Alright…” Sebastian didn’t seem convinced, but it didn’t really matter. 

Ciel couldn’t lift his eyes to his boyfriend again. His mind kept saying he was someone else, not who he was now. He couldn’t be there anymore. He head was getting worse as he sat there. He had to leave. 

“I should get to work.” he said as he got up. 

Sebastian stood with him. “Okay.” he said, pulling him into a hug. 

Even as freaked out as he was, he welcomed the warm and comfort Sebastian brought him. The feeling of comfort ended all too soon and he was left to leave and be stuck with his own thoughts. 

“See you.” Ciel said as he hurried out of the cafe. 

His mind was everywhere. In the past, in the present. He was having memories he shouldn’t be having, remembering things that had never happened to him. 

At work, his co workers notice his odd behavior, asking him what was wrong. After only a little bit there, he decided he needed to go home. Everyone seemed to understand and they let him leave. 

He pulled his phone with the intent to text Sebastian on the fact that he’d left early,but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. It was all too much for him. He was on the verge of a mental break down. His mind kept going back to that dream. It was almost as if his brain was telling him something, wanting him to figure it out on his own. 

And it was obvious what it wanted him to know. Ever since he’d met Sebastian, he’d been having deja vu and had been remembering things he’d never done. It was all so obvious. The painting, the fear of fire, the weird feeling that he’d known Sebastian for a long time. 

All of it wasn’t dreams or just a small case of deja vu. It was memories, recollections of a life long since forgotten.His life as an Earl, his butler following him loyally even into the next life. He had been the Earl Ciel Phantomhive. His life then had been hell. 

He stopped just outside his apartment, frozen to his spot as all the thoughts and things he didn’t understand connected and were put together like a big puzzle. His hands were shaking and he felt like he could collapse. It was all spinning in his head, making him dizzy and sick. 

He hurried up to his apartment, slamming the door behind himself and hurrying to the nearest thing he could be sick in. After pulling himself together enough, he managed to carry  himself to his bedroom where he collapsed down on the bed, his mind continuing to go through everything. 

He didn’t know how long he was laying there, he wasn’t sure if he’d fallen into a sleep he hadn’t realized he was in or if he was just there, staring at the plain wall his eyes had landed on when he’d fallen onto his bed. When he was yanked from his thoughts by his phone going off, it was late. It was dark outside. It was the time he would’ve been getting off work. 

He got his phone out and checked the message. 

‘Hey. Want to do something tonight?’ 

It was from Sebastian. He couldn’t get himself to reply, he couldn’t hardly focus on the text to read it. He tossed his phone away, making it fall off the bed. He didn’t have the energy to get it, so he left it there. 

Ciel crawled under the blankets on the bed, hiding himself from the world. He fell into a restless sleep after a while of laying there. 

 

When he woke up, his alarm had been going off for several minutes, but hadn’t waken him. He turned it off and continued to lay in his bed for a while, not getting the energy to get up. His dreams had consisted of more memories from a long time ago. It told him of a contract he’d had with Sebastian and it told him that Sebastian wasn’t exactly human.

He decided he didn’t want to see Sebastian at all. He wanted to avoid him completely. He got up and grabbed his phone off the floor. It read ‘6 new messages’. He deleted them all without reading them, then called his work and told them he wouldn’t be there that day. 

Sebastian didn’t know where he lived, so he’d be okay if he didn’t go anyway and if he just stayed in his apartment all day. 

‘Ciel, where are you? You’re going to be late for work if you don’t hurry.’ was just one of the texts he got later in the morning. 

Soon after, they repeatedly came in. 

‘Hey, did you make it to work? Just text me and let me know.’ 

‘Ciel? Are you busy or something? I’m getting worried.’ 

‘Please respond, just let me know you’re okay’

‘I’m going to assume you’re just busy. Reply to me when you can.’ 

‘Ciel?’ 

 

After the last text, he found himself with the ability to reply. Hands shaking, a suffocating feeling all over him, his heart pounding in his ears, he replied. 

‘Stay away from me.’ 

He clicked send and watched as the irreversible text was sent and delivered. He couldn’t take it back now and he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to see Sebastian and, after giving it some thought, if Sebastian was really a demon like he remembered, then he’d be able to find him no matter what. The only way to keep him from coming to his apartment was to tell him to stay away. He could only hope it would work. 

His phone buzzed. 

‘What? What’s wrong? I’m sorry if I did anything to upset you.’ 

He chose not to reply to this one. He didn’t want to talk to Sebastian anymore, his stomach was upset and he couldn’t stop thinking about their past life. The contract, the deal to sell his soul. He didn’t remember how he ended up dead, but he could assume it was because of Sebastian. All of this, playing with his heart, with his mind and emotions, was probably some scam of the demon’s to lure him back into the contract, so he could actually take his soul. 

He probably knew the feelings he had for him, which he probably had in the past life as well, and were using them to his advantage in some sick and twisted game. It made him sick. 

His phone buzzed again. 

‘Ciel please. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. Just talk to me.’ 

‘At least tell me what I did wrong and I’ll fix it. I’ll make it better.’ 

The second text came in immediately after the first one. 

Ciel didn’t want to respond. He didn’t want to trust Sebastian’s word, but his heart did. He wanted to go running to him, but at the same time, never wanted to see him again. 

His phone continued buzz. Message after message of Sebastian asking him, begging him to talk, to tell him what was wrong. 

‘Fuck off!’ Ciel responded after the fifth text

It did nothing to stop Sebastian. 

‘Don’t do this, Ciel. Please. Talk to me, tell me what I did. Don’t just leave me.’ was the text he got back.

It hurt. So incredibly so. With every text he got from Sebastian, he could feel his heart break more. He could feel his mind slowly collapsing. He was having trouble with the whole situation. 

‘Leave me alone, Sebastian.’ Ciel replied, just wanting the whole thing to stop. 

Immediate response, ‘I don’t want to lose you. Please talk to me.’ 

‘Stop.’ 

‘No. I’m not going to lose you. Just let me fix this.’ 

His mind couldn’t take anymore. He was going to go crazy like this. His heart hurt and his brain was dead. He couldn’t do this anymore. 

‘Of course you don’t want to lose me, I’m your fucking lunch!’ he sent. 

There wasn’t a response for a long time. He thought he’d done it. He thought Sebastian was done with him finally. He’d figured out his little plan, so there was no reason to continue. He sighed and relaxed back on his bed, not knowing what would happen to him now that all that was over. 

Then, ‘what?’ 

It was just one word. Something so simple, but full of emotion. 

‘I’m your meal. You just want my soul. You don’t care about me at all. You’re disgusting, you fucking demon.’ 

There was another long pause between replies. 

‘I think we should talk about this in person.’ 

‘What makes you think I want to see you.’

‘Just meet me at the cafe.’ 

‘No. I don’t want to see you again. I want to keep you out of my sights. I don’t want anything to do with you. I bet you were hoping that I wouldn’t remember our past, that I wouldn’t remember our contract. So you could up and take my soul when I was least expecting.’ 

There wasn’t a reply from Sebastian, so Ciel continued.

‘I don’t know how I died and I don’t know why you didn’t end up getting my soul, but I can guarantee that I was killed by you. Maybe you wanted to fuck with me more in a future life, maybe you’re just that fucked up.’ 

‘I should really explain the situation in person. There’s a reason behind everything and I can explain it all. Just meet me at the cafe. If you still never want to see me again, I’ll leave you alone.’ 

That reply alone made his heart sink. For a demon who was wanting his soul, he was now really willing to give him up. But, anything for life, so he agreed to meet him at the cafe. 

He got dressed in jeans and a large hoodie, pulling the hood up over his head to hide his messed up hair and hopefully hide the huge bags under his eyes. Stress did a lot to a person. 


	5. Chapter 5

Walking into the cafe, Ciel immediately spotted Sebastian. He wasn’t in their usual spot, instead he was sitting in the very back of the small shop, a place where not many people sat, so it was secluded and away from prying ears. It was a good place to sit when they were having to talk about important things. 

He avoided actually looking at Sebastian as he walked to the back of the shop and took a seat with him. 

“Hey.” Sebastian said in a quiet, almost broken voice. 

Ciel chose not to say anything back. He sunk down in his seat and kept his eyes fixated on the table, no matter how badly he wanted to see the still comforting and familiar face of the demon who might just kill him. He still loved him. He knew it was love. He could feel it in every fiber of his being, every breath he took, every heartbeat he gave. It all screamed of his love. 

“Ciel, please look at me. I’m just going to set things straight.” 

At the request, he lifted his eyes and caught Sebastian’s. There was pain deep in those warm honey eyes. It looked like he’d been worrying and fretting about this very moment. 

It was another moment before he spoke again. 

“What exactly do you remember?” 

“Most of that life. My parents buring alive, my months of torture, the contract we formed and on.” Ciel replied. 

“And on? Do you remember the years after our contract began? The struggles we face together, the pain we both went through?” 

“You’re a demon, you don’t know emotions.” 

The look of pure hurt crossed Sebastian’s face for only a second. It was enough to prove Ciel wrong, though, and he felt bad for saying something like that. Sebastian might have even more emotion than he did himself and it was deeper rooted. 

But that emotion might only be offense. He could still be playing him as a pawn, trying his damndest to still win despite the low chance. 

“Okay. Still, do you remember after we formed the contract?” “

Ciel nodded, “I remember the cases we solved. I remember what I did for a living.” 

“Where does your memory end?” 

He had to stop and think about that one. He had to go deep into his mind, to the memories he had from the past and not from the present. 

“I remember when you killed me.” he said slowly, coming to the realization of what actually happened to him, “I remember when you took me to that demon island on the last day of our contract. You sat me down there and you killed me. You were supposed to take my soul, but obviously you didn’t. What kind of sick game are you playing at, demon?”

Sebastian didn’t reply for a while, he simply gazed into his eyes and let them sit there in silence for a long time. Ciel was about ready to snap when he opened his mouth to speak. 

“I didn’t kill you there.” 

“Liar!” 

“Keep your voice down.” Sebastian snapped, “I’m telling you the truth. I wouldn’t lie to you, not then and not now.” 

Ciel went silent, letting Sebastian talk. 

“I didn’t kill you. Our contract had ended and I did take you to that island where I was supposed to take your soul. I was supposed to kill and move on to my next victim, but I didn’t. I took our contract away.” 

“Why would you do that?” 

“Good question,” he paused to let out a sigh, “You asked that exact same question when I told you then, too.” 

“So, why would you?” 

Sebastian let a smile slip onto his lips, “My answer is the same as it was then and will be the same in however many lives it takes. I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I love you.” 

His heart skipped. Still, even after everything Ciel was accusing him of, he loved him. And after all the hatred Ciel could feel, he was still able to make his stomach a mess of nervousness. 

“After I destroyed our contract, I took you back to the mansion,” Sebastian continued, “I don’t think you remember that part, but we spent several years developing and hiding our relationship from the public eye.” 

That made sense to Ciel. After all, from the moment he first met Sebastian, he felt like he knew him and he felt like he had deep feelings for him. It hadn’t left the whole time they’d been dating. 

“Then how did I die?” Ciel asked after a long time of silence between the two of them. 

Sebastian was probably letting it all sink in. 

It seemed like that subject was hard for him to talk about, even though Ciel was sitting there in front of him. 

“You got sick. Very sick and I couldn’t help you.” 

Ciel couldn’t bring himself to respond, simply going quiet and dropping his eyes back down the table. It took only a day for a situation to arise and be resolved. It took only a day for Ciel to go through so many different emotions. Betrayal, hatred, love, sadness, fear, etc. Human beings are incredible. 

They sat there in silence, not even looking at each other. All they could do was listen to the busy sounds of the cafe and the music as it played over head. A waiter brought them some drinks and left them be again. 

“I’ll leave, if you still don’t want to see me again.” Sebastian said, breaking the silence. 

Ciel didn’t respond at first, still stuck in his thought over everything. He was still very upset and still wasn’t sure if he could believe Sebastian or not. 

“I think you should leave.” he said, making himself look at the demon. “For now, at least.” 

With a nod, Sebastian got up, left some money on the table, then left the cafe. Ciel was stuck alone with his thoughts that were eating at his mind and emotions. He remained there for a little bit, thinking everything over. 

On his way home, he stopped by an unexpected pit stop to grab something for his nerves. Almost as soon as he got inside his apartment, he opened the bottle and poured himself some of the vodka into a glass. He made about half of it the alcohol and filled the other half with orange juice. 

With one drink, he mostly tasted the vodka and less the citrus drink. He’d drank before, but not much and so the feeling of the alcohol going down his throat burned in the best way. One night worth of drinking for one night of forgetting. It probably wasn’t healthy, but he couldn’t find any way to care at the moment. He turned on whatever was on the tv and drank his mix. 

The first cup was gone quicker than he probably should have drank it. He could feel it in his head. He’d grown dizzy, but he could still remember his troubles. He got himself up from the couch, making his way into the kitchen with only a little bit of stumbling. Instead of putting orange juice in the cup this time, he just grabbed the bottle and took it with him back to the couch where he collapsed down. 

He wanted to forget. He didn’t want to worry or think over Sebastian like he was some ex-boyfriend he was still trying to get over. He was acting like a teenage girl who found out her crush was dating some other girl. Pushing those thoughts away, he drank the straight vodka. With nothing else to coat it, it burned worse than before and hit him even harder. 

As the night continued, his mind became even more irrational and fuzzy. He pulled his phone out for whatever reason, he couldn’t even understand why exactly he had, but he saw that he had a text from Sebastian. He opened it to read, having to concentrate hard to be able to read the words. 

‘Hey, I know you probably don’t want to hear from me, but I wanted to at least saying something before you leave me for good. Just text me when you’re ready.’ 

Ciel didn’t entirely comprehend what Sebastian was saying, all he knew was that this asshole thought he could just walk out of his life. Fuck that. 

‘You know what? You’re an ass.’ he sent back, surprising even himself with not messing up. 

His phone text tone went off in only a moment, ‘Excuse me?’ 

‘You think you’re amazing, don’t you? You think you can just come into my life, play my emotions, and leave because you’re cute.’ 

‘What? What are you talking about?’ 

‘You just came into my life like an asshole, made me fall in love with you, and you want to leave. Well you know what? Fuck you, you’re not allowed to just leave.’ 

‘I’m… sorry?’ 

‘You better fuckin be!’ 

‘Are you alright?’ 

‘Fuck you! Come over here and apologize for trying to leave.’ 

‘What?’ 

‘Come over here to my apartment and tell me you won’t leave.’ 

‘I… don’t even know where you live.’ 

‘You’re a demon! I’d be surprised if you didn’t already know where I live.’ 

It took Sebastian a minute to reply after that. ‘Fine. I’ll be over in a bit.’ 

Ciel wasn’t sure how long it would take, but he didn’t care either. He wound up trying to toss his phone onto the table, missing, and letting it hit the floor. He didn’t care about it anymore, anyway. He grabbed the bottle of vodka and continued to drink it. There wasn’t much left in the bottle and he thought he could finish it off before Sebastian got there. 

It took Sebastian a little bit to get there, around fifteen minutes. By the time there was a knock on the door, Ciel had finished the bottle of vodka and it had fallen from the table and was currently rolling along the floor on its own little path. Ciel was as drunk as someone could get. He pulled himself up from his seat and went over to the door, trying his damndest to keep his balance as he walked. It was hard, really hard. Opening the door, his eyes landed on Sebastian standing there. It was kind of a shock that he actually came. 

“Ciel? Are you alright?” Sebastian asked, making a face as the stench of the alcohol hit his nose. 

“I’m fine.” Ciel said, he felt fine at least. 

In one movement, he tried to step away from the door, stumbled over his feet and tripped into Sebastian. Damn, it was like a movie. But, he still made his goal of hugging Sebastian, since that’s what he was doing. Yeah. That’s it. He wrapped his arms around the much taller person, only being tall enough to hide his face in Sebastian’s chest. It was quick, too quick for Ciel’s mind at the moment and he wound up giggling over it. 

“How much did you drink?” he heard Sebastian’s voice, but he didn’t feel his arms comforting him. 

“Not much.” he lied, looking up at the demon. 

Sebastian sighed and pulled Ciel off him, though he held onto his arm in case he fell, and stepped into the apartment so he could close the door. Ciel felt kind of like a kid throwing a tantrum and being held by his parent so he couldn’t run away or throw himself down on the ground.

Ciel looked up at Sebastian and gave him a very drunken grin. 

“I think you should go to bed.” Sebastian suggest. 

“No.” Ciel responded, his smile dropping, “I don’t want to go to bed. I want to talk to you.” 

“You can’t think straight enough to talk.” 

Ciel couldn’t stifle a laugh because of the straight thing, but didn’t dare say what he was laughing about out loud. 

“You need to go to bed and we’ll talk tomorrow when you’re sober.” 

Ciel sighed and dropped his eyes. “When I’m sober I won’t be able to tell you what I want to say.”

“That’s probably not healthy.” 

“Shut up.” 

He could hear Sebastian sigh, then in the next moment, his feet weren’t on the ground anymore and he was in Sebastian’s arms, being carried down the short hall of his apartment, clearing being taken to the bedroom.

“Sebastian…” Ciel said softly, expecting a response or at least a look, but when the demon didn’t reply at all, he just continued, “I just want to tell you something important.” 

“What is it?” 

He buried his face in Sebastian’s neck to avoid looking at him. He was thinking that if he seemed bashful, he might seem cuter. “I love you…” 

Sebastian didn’t say anything. He probably knew, just as Ciel did even drunk, that this would be forgotten when morning came. He sat Ciel down on the bed as carefully as he could, leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead. 

“Sebastian, don’t leave.” he requested, “Please.” 

“I really should go. You need to sleep this off. I can come by in the morning.” 

Ciel looked up at Sebastian, trying to seem as attractive as he could while being drunk. He got up on his knees and wrapped his arms around Sebastian’s neck to pull him down, leaning to his ear.

“Don’t go. Instead of coming by in the morning, you can come now.” he said in a soft voice. It wasn’t exactly sultry, but it was close enough. 

He wasn’t even sure why his switch had flipped so fast. It must have just been the alcohol fucking with his judgment, but he really wanted Sebastian. He wanted the proof that Sebastian still loved him. He felt Sebastian’s hands on his sides and thought he might be getting somewhere, but instead, he was pushed back gently. 

“No, Ciel. You’re intoxicated. I won’t do anything like that right now.” 

“Come on…” Ciel said, biting his lip in thought that it was sexy or at least hot, “I want you to make me moan.”

“No.” 

Ciel huffed and gave up. Not even at his most attractive moment would he be able to crack Sebastian. He might, with action, but it might also scare Sebastian off and, with sex or not, he wanted him to be there through the night. 

“Fine,” he sighed, “But at least stay with me, okay?” 

Silence encased them for a moment and he didn’t take his eyes off Sebastian. Finally, there was a nod and he climbed into bed with him. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for the really really late update! I've been busy and I'm about to go on vacation, so this will be the last chapter for a couple weeks.  
> Again, sorry!

He could see the sun shining through his eyelids. That simple thing cause the pounding in his head to grow. God he shouldn’t have drank. His stomach was twisted up in the worst way and his head felt like it was going to crack open. With a groan, he rolled over so his back would be to his window. He could feel something there. Something warm and inviting. It felt like another person’s body. A familiar scent hit his nose, one that was comforting. He wanted to go back to sleep, but his mind was racing. 

He opened his eyes to see  his suspicions confirmed. Sebastian was laying there, back to him. Oh fuck. He sat up quickly. The motion made his head spin and he felt like he might throw up. He hid his face in his hands, waiting for the feeling to go away. If Sebastian was in his bed and he had been drunk, that could only mean one thing, right? It happens all the time. He’d gotten drunk and had probably seduced Sebastian into having sex with him. 

He wouldn’t be against it, probably, but he at least wanted to remember their first time. Wasn’t it suppose to be special or some shit? He turned his head to look at the body next to him, breathing with steady breaths. He went back to keeping his face in his hands and let out a sigh. He didn’t remember it at all. He didn’t even remember Sebastian coming over. He shouldn’t have drank. He probably ruined their relationship with this. 

“You okay?” he heard Sebastian ask. 

It caused him to jump a little and he looked at him. It took him a minute to process the question, but when he did, he nodded. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little hung over.” he admitted. 

“That’s to be expected, you got pretty drunk last night.” 

Sebastian shifted so he could sit up next to him. Ciel sighed softly and looked away from him. He couldn’t look at him. Not with the thought in his head that they’d had sex. Sebastian had seen him vulnerable and at his weakest and could remember it while he didn’t remember anything. It was a lot to handle. 

“So, when did you come over?” Ciel asked. 

“I don’t remember the time, but you texted me.” 

“I see,” he paused to gather up courage to ask anymore questions, “What happened?” 

“I didn’t think you’d remember,” Sebastian said with a sigh, “Nothing. You were drunk and I took you to bed.” 

That phrase wasn’t at all what he wanted to hear, but it was enough to convince him of what happened. Although, Sebastian wasn’t acting like they’d had sex. He supposed it didn’t matter how Sebastian was acting, there was pretty reasonable proof that they had done it. 

“Sebastian, did we…” he wasn’t sure he could actually ask, “Did we… um…” 

“No.” he replied quickly, not even letting Ciel finish his question. “Not for lack of you trying, but we didn’t have sex.” 

“Oh thank god.” Ciel breathed out in relief. 

It was a great thing that they hadn’t. He’d be able to remember their first time whenever it happens. In his thoughts, he didn’t feel when Sebastian moved so he was closer to him and was taken off guard when arms were wrapped around him, pulling him into a warm body. He was surprised by it and so didn’t know how to react for a good moment. He could feel Sebastian’s forehead against his shoulder and grew confused as to why he was acting like this. 

Maybe he said something that had bothered Sebastian. If he had, Sebastian would know that he doesn’t remember it at all. Maybe that’s why he’s acting like this. 

“I love you.” Sebastian muttered. 

This was way different than how he’d seen the demon before. It caught him off guard and he wasn’t entirely sure how to react to it. A bit stiffly, he brought a hand up to pat Sebastian’s head, hoping that was one of the good options. 

“I know you do.” 

Sebastian only held onto him for a minute longer before pulling back and getting out of the bed. He grabbed his shoes and let out a sigh. 

“I should leave. Text me if you need anything.” 

Ciel nodded and watched him leave the room. There was a pause in the living room, probably where he was slipping his shoes on, then he heard his apartment door open and close. He sighed softly and decided to get himself out of bed to hunt for his phone and look up how to cure hangovers on the internet. 

 

The next few days, he decided to spend in his house. He didn’t want to go out anywhere and he didn’t have to work until that weekend, so he was okay to sit in his flat and eat whatever there was, even though he didn’t really have that much food there. Sebastian visited a couple times, staying for a couple hours, about long enough to eat dinner with him, then left the apartment. 

Waking up to the sound of his alarm on Saturday, Ciel got himself up and moving. He put on a long sleeved shirt to go on under his the scrubs he’d chosen for the day, well, the scrubs he’d grabbed from his closet because they were the first ones. They were dark blue, mostly plain, but had a printed picture of a cartoon kitten poking out of the chest pocket. He’d found that kids loved this particular one because they were amused when they found the kitten. 

He got a quick breakfast as he finished getting everything ready before heading out of his apartment. It was already pretty late, but he decided it would be okay to stop by the cafe anyway, just to pop in and say hi to Sebastian, who was probably already there waiting for him. 

He was right. Sebastian was sitting there at the table, drinking a coffee. At the sight of the demon, Ciel’s heart beat quickly. Every time he landed his eyes on Sebastian, something inside him woke up. It was like he was breathing for the first time, truly taking the air into his lungs. It brought a feeling of happiness to him. He took a seat with Sebastian. 

“Good morning. It’s nice to see you actually came out of your apartment.” Sebastian teased with a smirk. 

“Yeah. I decided it was time for me to stop being a hermit.” 

“Good decision.” 

Ciel nodded, going silent and just sitting there for a while longer. When he had to leave, he got up and said goodbye to Sebastian. As he left, he wondered how long Sebastian usually stayed there after he left. It was probably not that long. 

The office he worked at wasn’t that far from the cafe, so it made an easy stop every morning, but it was still a walk. The morning was quiet with only a few other people walking by him. A light morning fog hovered just above the streets and building dripped with water from a rain that had come late in the night and ended before the sun came up.

Busy in his thoughts, Ciel bumped into someone. Well that’s embarrassing. 

“I’m sorry.” he said, stepping back and looking at the guy. 

As his eyes landed on the man, he was filled with a sinking feeling. The guy was staring at him with a hard, cold gaze and was pointing a gun at him just barely concealed by a large jacket that was just hanging over his shoulders. He couldn’t get himself to move, frozen to the spot. 

“Don’t scream or run. Give me your wallet.” the man demanded. 

Ciel couldn’t move his limbs. He didn’t want to give up his wallet and he wanted to get away. He was a nurse, not a police officer. He wasn’t sure how to handle himself in a situation like this. 

“What are you doing? I said give me your wallet!” 

Still, he didn’t move. He should probably be giving the guy what he demanded, but with the gun being pointed at him, he couldn’t move. If he could, he would probably attempt to run anyway. He wasn’t going to be the victim of a mugging. It just wasn’t going to happen. He managed to gain a bit of control over himself, enough to shoot a glare at the man. 

“Fuck off.” Ciel muttered, very stupidly. 

He knew it was stupid and he knew he’d probably end up dead because of it, but he wasn’t going to stand there and be a victim. For a minute, the mugger didn’t seem to know what to do. He’d probably never had that kind of reaction before. 

“You little brat!” 

In just a second, Ciel got a harsh bash to the head by the blunt end of the gun, knocking him to the ground. His head instantly hurt and his sight was blurry and slowly being filled with black dots. Fuck. He could feel a warm liquid slide down from the epicenter of the pain. Heads always bled an excessive amount, no matter how bad the wound was. He could feel hands on him, searching him. It was the mugger looking for his wallet. 

He could hardly feel when the guy got his wallet from his back pocket and got up again. With adrenaline surging through him, slowly gaining, he got the ability to sit up and grab the guy’s pant leg before he could take off, nearly tripping him. A bit unexpectedly, the mugger wheeled around as quick as a snake. There was a loud popping sound and Ciel wasn’t able to hold on anymore. The guy took off as soon as he could. 

For a moment, Ciel felt no pain and he wasn’t sure why his arm wasn’t working very well. Looking at it, he saw blood splattered onto it. That blood couldn’t have come from his head, right? He dropped his eyes and noticed that there was a lot of the dark crimson coming from a spot on his scrubs. With his mind not being right, it took him a minute to realize the popping sound was the gun and he’d been shot in the abdomen. 

The pain struck him and his breath became baited and sight grew dim. 

“Fuck…” he breathed, pressing his hands to the wound. 

Applying pressure would keep him from bleeding out immediately. He could only hope someone would pass by and help. In his mind, he was asking where Sebastian was and why he wasn’t coming to help. He was slowly losing himself. He had to stay awake. If he fell asleep it might be his death. He was losing his grip. He wouldn’t be able to stay awake anymore. His sight was dark and he could feel the blood leaving his brain. His ears were ringing. He could hear a faint scream, the scream of a woman, then nothing. 

Ciel had no concept of time or where he was. his head hurt and his stomach hurt worse. For a moment, he couldn’t remember what happened. Slowly opening his eyes, he was ambushed by the brightness of light above him. He felt something sticking from his arm and could only assume it was an IV. He was probably be pumped full of fluids and medicine. 

“Hey, Mr. Phantomhive. I’m glad to see you’re awake.” a man’s voice said. 

Looking over, he saw a nurse checking his IV bags. He had a clipboard in his arms and was smiling at him kindly. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He turned his eyes to the ceiling and closed them again. Even with painkillers, he felt like shit.

“I’ll go let the doctor know that you’re awake.” 

He could hear the door open, then close again as the nurse left. Fuck, he was really feeling bad. Getting shot wasn’t fun. In a few moments, the door opened again and he let his eyes open to see the doctor. 

It was an older woman with her hair pinned back in a bun. She seemed like a nice woman, judging by the expression on her face. 

“Good morning, Ciel,” she said, sitting in the chair next to his bed. “How are you feeling?” 

“Bad,” he replied with a gravely voice. His throat was hurting. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that. We’re giving you as much Morphine as we can. I bet you want to know everything? We had to go in and surgically remove the bullet. It hit your small intestine, but luckily we were able to go through and fix them right up, so you should heal fine, but it’ll take a while and you’ll have to take it easy.” she paused to let him take it all in, “You’re really lucky, something wants you alive. You should have bled out.” 

A silence fell between them for only a moment, but it felt like an eternity for Ciel. 

“Everything is looking good now. You’ll make a perfect recovery, but we’ll need to keep you here for a while. We’ll let your friends and family come see you in a little bit. The police wanted to talk you about what happened, so I’ll go get them while I tell your friends that you’re awake.” 

Ciel nodded and watched the woman get up and leave the room. There was some talking outside the room, then the door opened once more and a  couple men in uniforms came toward him. 

“Good morning, Mr. Phantomhive.” one of the men said, pulling out a pen and paper pad. “We’re going to ask  you just a couple questions so we can find out who did this.” 

Without giving him time to really prepare, they began to ask questions. It was nice they were trying to get the guy, but it was their job and the guy was a possible threat to other people. He answered all their questions cooperatively and gave them every detail he could remember, from the guy’s appearance to what happened exactly. He tried to be completely helpful. 

When they were done, they thanked him and left without another word. This time, no one came in after. He was left alone in the white walled, prison-like hospital room. He didn’t like being there and he really wanted to go to his apartment, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to leave until the doctors deemed him well enough. 

Every minute seemed to crawl on. it didn’t help that the clock hanging in his room made a clicking noise every second. The machines next to him, constantly checking his heart rate, beeped each time the organ pumped blood through his body and he could swear he could hear every time the liquids in the bag dripped into the IV. It was enough to drive someone insane. 

He was still trying to get his head back, everything was still fuzzy and he was still really tired. He wanted to go back to sleep, but the doctor had said something about friends and family. Who would know about this? Had the hospital really already called his family? His parents would freak out on him when they came into the room. 

There was a knock at the door, pulled him from his mind. It cracked open and the nurse popped his head in. 

“You’ve got some visitors.” he said, opening the door completely and stepped aside to the people could come in. 

The first person to walk in was Sebastian, which surprised him. How would Sebastian have gotten the call? He didn’t have an emotion on his face, but in his eyes, Ciel could see he was hiding an immense amount of worry. Close after him his coworker walked in. 

“Elizabeth? What are you doing here?” he decided to question instead of Sebastian. 

Sebastian was probably able to convince the hospital that he was his spouse or something, so he’d quickly gotten over the surprise of him being there. 

“She was the one who found you. She saved your life.” the nurse said with a smile. 

Ciel took a moment to register that before looking at her. She had puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. It must have been traumatizing to see a friend like that. 

“Thank you.” he said quietly. He didn’t like the thought of being indebted to someone, but he was grateful for her.

He then turned his eyes to Sebastian, deciding to offer a hand to him for comfort. He didn’t personally need comforting, he wasn’t really stressed about the situation, but he knew Sebastian might. The demon accepted the hand with a gossamer touch, like if he was too rough with even a hand, he would break him.

“How did you know to come here?” 

“Elizabeth called me.” 

Lizzy took a step over and smiled at him. “I thought he needed to know, since you two care about each other a lot.” 

Ciel was even more grateful for her now. She really was a good friend to have. 


	7. Chapter 7

God was he ready to leave the hospital. It was hell being there. The prison-white walls. The IV, the nasty food, and stuck-up nurses. He absolutely hated it. These were many reasons as to why he never became a hospital nurse. He strictly worked at a pediatrics care center. _ Not  _ a hospital. 

Of course, though, this was his last day here. He was getting to leave. And hoped to get back to work as soon as possible. Because fuck did he hate being unable to get up and do something. 

Around half way through the day, a nurse came in. It was an unfamiliar nurse, one he hadn’t seen yet. He was nice enough, though. And he took out his IV and got him ready to be discharged. A couple hours later, he had the discharge papers, some pain killer prescriptions, and a paper on how to take care of his still healing wound. He’d have to be back in a while to get his stitches out. 

He was out. Ciel was not going to stay another minute there. So, when he was actually able to, he got everything and left. Without a proper ride, he had to take the bus home. There was a stop right outside the hospital, but the closest stop to his apartment was around a block away, which was a bit far for him to walk. 

He still trekked it and made his way home. He let out a long sigh as he got in the door and immediately went for the couch so he could sit and do nothing for a while. Because fuck did his side hurt. His breath was a bit heavy and it was a little hard to breath(it hurt, actually), but he didn’t really put any mind to it. He just sat there for a moment before grabbing his cell so he could text Sebastian. 

‘Hey, I made it home.’ was the message he sent. 

‘Oh good. Are you feeling okay?’ 

‘Okay enough, I suppose. What are you doing?’ 

‘I’m working.’ 

Well that was something Ciel hadn’t put any thought to. Sebastian had been around so often that he hadn’t really put any mind to the fact that he might have a job. 

‘Oh. What do you do?’ 

‘I’m a bartender.’ 

‘How come I didn’t know about this before?’

‘I pick my own hours.’ 

‘Makes sense, I guess. What bar to do you work at?’ 

‘It’s really a club. The Cosmos.’ 

‘Isn’t that the gay bar on 25th street?’

‘....Yes.’ 

‘Nice.’

There was a pause where the messages stopped for a bit. Ciel was able to make himself some tea in the time. Then, his phone dung and the messages popped up, showing one unread. 

‘Don’t worry, I’m only the bartender. I try not to pick up guys. ;)’ 

‘That’s good to know. What time do you get off?’ 

Another pause. And Ciel debated rather or not he wanted to go to that bar around the time Sebastian got off. 

‘10 tonight.’ 

Glancing at the time, Ciel could see that it was only four. That was six hours before Sebastian got off and that brought a frown to his lips. He was hoping(yes, actually hoping) that Sebastian would be able to visit him when he got out of the hospital. Of course, Sebastian had visited him several times over the couple weeks he was there and he’d grown accustomed to the man’s presence. He honestly felt a bit lonely without him around. 

Thinking on it, he had almost died. He got shot and could have easily been killed. The last thing he would have heard Sebastian really say to him was that he loved him. And he’d replied in the stupidest possible way. He wasn’t sure why he replied with a ‘I know’. That was a total dick move, but he didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t know how he felt about Sebastian, if he were going to be honest with himself. 

This guy just barged into his life out of the blue one day. All Ciel had been doing was minding his own business in his favorite cafe and this dick bag came in, took a seat with him, and forced him(not really forced) to remember a past he wasn’t even close to aware he had. He was pushed into remembering a life and a love he had forever ago. It wasn’t him now. It wasn’t who he was anymore. It was clear Sebastian still loved him, but he didn’t know how he felt about Sebastian. 

Yeah, he liked him. Yeah he was charming and handsome and able to turn his stomach into a floating mess and he was acting like a goddamn teenage girl over this and he  _ hated  _ it. He didn’t know rather to love or fucking loathe that stupid demon. His emotions were somewhere on the edge of both. 

These thoughts consumed him for the next several hours. He thought that, even if he and Sebastian were to have a good relationship, his mixed feelings wouldn’t change. He would both hate and love him. And it was really concerning to think about. He tried to force some of these thoughts away by distracting himself with a book. It didn’t work very well. 

When nine rolled around, he took some of his pain meds, changed his bandages, and got himself changed into something a little more worthy of going out in. Then, he decided that he’d go ahead and meet Sebastian at the club before he got off work. 

One bus ride and an annoyed Ciel later, he was at the bar. He didn’t like people. He especially hated crowds, but he had to go in here to let Sebastian know he was there. He pushed himself through the busy bar, ignoring anyone who tried to talk to him, and made his way to the bar. Even that was surrounded by people and it brought a frown to his lips. It took him a minute to find a spot to squeeze in and when he did, he let out a long sigh. This was a lot of work on his body after getting out of the hospital that day. 

“What’s a cutie like you doing here?” a familiar voice spoke up above the loud music and roaring of speaking. 

Ciel looked up and his eyes met Sebastian’s. 

“I’m here to get you from work. When you get off, that is.” 

“You don’t have a car, so how can you pick me up from work?”

That was a good point. 

“Okay,” he paused for a moment, “You have a car, right?” 

There was a nod. 

“Then I’m just some guy at the bar and you’re going to take me home when you get off.”

“A demand,” Sebastian had an amused smirk playing on his lips, “Fine. I’ll take you home.” 

“You better.” 

The conversation fell through when Sebastian had to get drinks for a couple down the bar. So Ciel sat silently there, busying himself with looking around. It wasn’t the fanciest of places, but it tried to cover that up with bright lights and loud music. It was mostly just the bar with a dance floor and a few booths to sit at. The blue and purple lights left a calming sensation, but no one on the floor were calm at all. It was noisy and annoying. 

The time passed and only a few people tried to talk to Ciel, attempting to buy him something to drink. He declined all offers and just waited out the hour. When Sebastian got off, he went to wait for him out front. It took a few minutes, but soon Sebastian was there next to him, leading him toward his car. 

Of course(what else would he have expected), the demon’s car was a black sports car. Ciel wasn’t very good with types of cars, nor did he care enough to learn about them, so he didn’t know what kind it was or how expensive it was. All he knew was that it was a black car that some people would kill to have. Maybe Sebastian did kill to get it. Wouldn’t that be amusing? 

The ride back to his apartment wasn’t a very talkative one. Ciel just watched out the window as everything passed. Those painkillers he was on were amazing, he wasn’t feeling any pain from his side. He was feeling pretty normal other than the occasional shift in the bandages that reminded him he actually did have a wound. A bad one. 

“What was the point in going to my work only to have me take you back home?” Sebastian asked, barely sparing a glance over while he drove. 

Ciel was silent for a while, then replied, “You’re not supposed to go back home, you know. You’re supposed to visit for a while.” 

“Oh am I? I wasn’t aware that was part of the deal.”

“It is now.” 

“Alright, if you say so.” 

“I do say so.” 

Silence fell between them again for the following minutes of the ride. Sebastian parked and they went up to Ciel’s apartment. It hadn’t been that long ago that Sebastian had stayed the night here after Ciel managed to get himself far too drunk. And he could remember being told that they didn’t have sex. Which was nice to know considering he would have been way too out of it to really have sex. 

Once inside the apartment, he took a seat on the couch, expecting Sebastian to follow in his lead because what else would he do? Stand awkwardly? Probably. But the demon did follow suit and sat down on the couch next to him. Ciel let out a long sigh.

“Is there any particular reason you forced me to your apartment?” the demon’s voice had amusement dripping from it. 

“Don’t act like you didn’t want to come,” Ciel replied with a frown, “The answer is boredom, I suppose. I haven’t had much to do today since I left the hospital.”

“When are you going back to work?” 

“Don’t know. I technically have another week of paid leave, but I’ll probably go back in the next few days.” 

“Do you think you’re okay doing that?” 

“I should be, yeah.” 

Ciel thought he was fine to go back to work that day, but he doubted his work would have let him. He felt fine(because of the medicine) and he didn’t think the stitched up wound would really be that much of a bother because it was just a little sore sometimes. And he hated being stuck somewhere, so he was absolutely ready to go back to work. 

“If you say so.” Sebastian agreed, though he didn’t really sound convinced. 

It actually seemed like the demon was worried. It was weird to think about. Sebastian being concerned or worried or showing much emotion at all, really. Because he wasn’t human. And as far as he knew, demons weren’t the kind to show happiness or anything other than hunger or anger. Kind of like a small child. And Sebastian had shown so many different emotions Ciel didn’t think possible. It was odd and amazing at the same time. 

Sometimes, Ciel wondered if Sebastian was just playing with his emotions. Toying with him until he was delicious enough to eat. But that thought was always pushed aside when he thought about the fact that he was alive at all. If Sebastian had really wanted to eat him, he would  have ate his soul when they had a contract. So he probably wasn’t toying with him. 

“I did want to talk to you about something, though.” Ciel finally said, trying to draw up enough thought and courage to speak his mind. 

Never had he been this nervous to say something before. He hated it. 

“What is it?” 

Ciel turned his eyes to Sebastian. And fuck was he caught in that devilish gaze. If this ass hole hadn’t forced him into remembering, he would have never even tried to have a relationship with him. Because he didn’t seem like his type. Really, no one was his type. So why would he try to have a relationship with anyone? 

Somehow, the dick had managed to his way into his heart from hardly doing anything other than existing and getting him to remember a past that didn’t even matter anymore. 

“You love me, right? You’re not just fucking with me?” Ciel decided to question before he actually admitted anything. 

“Of course,” There was a bit of a confused expression on Sebastian’s face, “I could not lie to you, even now. I’m not messing with you at all. I do love you.” 

That was good enough to convince Ciel. He still wasn’t entirely sure how a demon could love, but he supposed it was possible and Sebastian was enough evidence of that. 

“Did you think you’d ever see me again after I died?” 

“Never. Not in my wildest dreams.” 

That was kind of amusing because Ciel was aware enough that demons didn’t need to sleep and so didn’t dream. 

“So what’s a demon to do when they’ve falling into an impossible love and that person happens to die?” 

There was a pause and a smile that slipped onto Sebastian’s features. 

“Well we can’t die. So all I could do was hope and wait. Maybe your soul would get reused and that’s all I was going on for a while.”

That was pretty fucked up, but sweet at the same time. That was a lot of time for Sebastian to just sit and let his memories and feelings and pain consume him. It sounded like the true Hell. 

He turned a little toward Sebastian so he was better angled to grab the collar of the demon’s shirt and pull him down to crash their lips together. It was one of those kisses that sent a stomach into a mess. Lips slid together perfectly. 

It was a long moment that their lips were touching, breaking away for only a second at a time. Heavy breaths were let out just before lips were connected again. Hands found their ways around bodies. Ciel’s arms snaked around Sebastian’s neck and warm hands pressed against the smaller body’s waist. 

A gentle tug on his sides brought Ciel clamoring clumsily onto Sebastian’s lap. Refusing to break the kiss, it was sloppily kept while he moved. His arms stayed tight around the demon’s neck, hands gripping at the back of his shirt while tongues slid together. Noises of approval were slipped into the kiss. Heated moans and heavy breaths mixed together in pure bliss. Each feeling traveling straight through his body. 

Hands slipped up his shirt and fingers slid over bandages. There was hesitation in both hand movements and the kiss. Ciel slid a hand down to put over one of Sebastian’s and broke the kiss long enough to speak. 

“I’m fine.” he breathed out against the demon’s lips, “It doesn’t hurt.” 

“Yes, but,” there was a pause where Sebastian pulled back enough to look into Ciel’s eyes, “Should we be doing this when you just got out of the hospital? I don’t know if-” 

“It’s alright,” Ciel reassured, “I want to do this.” 

“But-” 

“I love you, Sebastian. It’ll be fine.” 

There was silence that followed those words and a smile that fell onto Sebastian’s features. Their lips were connected once more and Ciel pulled himself closer, pressing their bodies together. It kind of felt like he got something big off his shoulders. He’d admitted his love and that’s what mattered. 


	8. Chapter 8

Ciel’s thoughts were completely wiped out. His arms were wrapped around Sebastian, nails digging into the skin on his back. Teeth grazed against his neck, forcing breathy and heated moans from his mouth. His head tilted up, inviting more of the sensation that the nips and bites sent through him. Each careful movement, each precise placement of lips against his neck made him disappear into the pleasure. 

Their shirts had been dropped in the main room before they moved and their pants had been thrown carelessly on Ciel’s bedroom floor. It left them both in their underwear with Sebastian between his legs. He never thought, in his wildest dreams, that this demon would be so vulnerable to him, to what he could do if he chose. It was easy to solicit noises from Sebastian if he did certain actions. If he wanted, he could have complete control of this situation and he loved it. 

A roll of the hips into his own brought a needy moan from Ciel’s lips. He wanted this. No, he  _ needed  _ this. One of Sebastian’s hands slid to the bandage that was wrapped around his torso and he moved away a little. Ciel turned his eyes to the demon in curiosity of what he was doing. The movements and touches had ceased and it almost brought a whine from him. 

Sebastian caught his eye and a smirk crossed the demon’s lips. He sat up a bit more and moved the hand on the bandage down to rub at the bulge in Ciel’s underwear, pulling a moan from him.

“Your body is reacting quite nicely to my actions.”

Ciel send him a glare and looked away, “Shut up, bastard,” 

There was a light laugh that came from Sebastian, then the demon was sliding his underwear down his hips. It was clear that Sebastian had no intention of fully having sex. He was probably scared of hurting Ciel since he was still wounded. The stitches were still in, after all. Instead, once the boxers were off, he wrapped his hand around Ciel’s length. 

Fuck, the pleasure that coursed through his body made him let out a heated moan, his hips moving into the feeling without him telling them to. That seemed to encourage Sebastian to move his hand along the length. Ciel couldn’t think anymore. The only thing in his mind was how amazing this felt. He wasn’t in control of the fact that his hips were rolling against the movements of Sebastian’s hands. Each movement of his hips drew out a moan. His hands gripped the sheets of the bed and his head pressed back against it. 

“So desperate,” Sebastian’s voice was soft and dripping with lust. 

Ciel bit back a moan, refusing to look at the demon. This was embarrassing enough and he just had to make it worse. 

“Shu- ah!” Ciel’s words were cut straight from his mouth as the hand moving against him quickened in pace. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that. What were going to say?” 

Ciel chose not to try to speak again. Heavy breaths slipped past his lips mixed with the moans he was trying to quiet so Sebastian didn’t get the pleasure of hearing. He failed miserably at that. Loud, desperate moans were escaping him with each movement. He was only able to last a little bit longer. The sensation quickly swelled in him. He wasn’t able to get out a warning before he came, a choked moan of something similar to Sebastian’s name passing his lips.

The demon continued to move his hand a couple more times, to let Ciel ride out the sensation. Ciel broke down in heavy pants as he laid there, covered in his own cum with Sebastian lingering over him. He opened his eyes in time to see the bastard licking the cum off his fingers with a cocky smirk on his face. Clearly, it was to fuck with him and he did not appreciate it. He looked away immediately. 

“Asshole,” Ciel muttered. 

 

****

 

Despite his physical injuries, Ciel was back at work within a couple days. He had pain killers that he was still taking, but they didn’t affect his working, so his boss didn’t mind at all. That morning, he’d woken to the smell of eggs and had walked into the kitchen to find Sebastian making him breakfast. He ate, got dressed in light blue scrubs, then said goodbye to his boyfriend before heading to work. 

He was greeted by a very happy Lizzy in the office. She had a huge grin on her face. 

“You’re back!” 

Ciel returned her happiness with a small smile, “Yeah, I decided I’d taken enough time off work.” 

“Well good. We’re all happy that you’re okay and back to work.” 

Ciel chose not to respond to that, simply giving Lizzy a nod. He made his way to the reception desk where he was going to sit for a while so he could get some papers done. He worked in a small pediatrics office. There was a small waiting room when you first walked in with toys and children’s books, even some coloring pages. Then, there was a reception desk which had one door beside it that lead to a hall where the rooms were. In the middle of this hall was another open, larger room that was a rest area for parents and nurses. It held chairs, a couch, a fridge, counters with a sink and microwave, and vending machines.

He sat at the desk, taking one of the other nurse’s spots, and gathered up the proper paperwork from a stack of files and began to go through them. The paperwork part of the job was the part he hated. It was boring and took forever. He preferred to go from room to room checking up on patients and giving shots, but he was one of the people who did the papers for those patients to leave and who set up different appointments and took care of emails and faxes, so he had a lot of work to do at a desk. He needed to take it easy, anyway. His side still hurt and he would probably be chastised by his peers if he worked too much.

Ciel worked for a while, checking forms and copying them onto the computer as well as sending emails to hospitals and other doctors and sending prescriptions to the proper pharmacy. The only thing that pulled him from his work was the fact that his phone(which he had placed on the desk next to him, suddenly vibrated. The buzzing pulling his mind straight from the email he was writing. Normally, he would finish what he was working on before answering the text, but when he glanced over, ‘Sebastian’ caught his eye and made it hard for him to keep working. He opened the text. 

‘When’s your break?’ 

Ciel glanced at the time. He hadn’t been at work very long, but he supposed he could go on break sooner rather than later. He doubted anyone would mind. 

‘I’ll take one in thirty minutes or so.’ 

There was almost an immediate response, ‘Wanna meet at that cafe you like? Get some coffee while you’re free.’ 

‘Okay one: We’re not star-crossed teenage lovers having to sneak around during breaks. And two: Yes, please.’ 

‘See you there. <3’ 

Ciel didn’t think he would ever understand why Sebastian tried so hard. He acted completely different over text than he did in person, but still. It was a little ridiculous. Well, at least he had something to look forward to, now. 

He finished the email he had been working on, gathered his stuff, informed his boss that he would be going on break, then left the office. Technically, he was only supposed to have thirty minutes of a break, but he was sure that it wouldn’t matter much if he went over that time a little bit, which he most certainly would since he was going all the way to the cafe he and Sebastian first met at for this break. 

He walked the distance. Which proved to be a terrible idea because, by the time he got to the place, his side was hurting like a mother fucker. He had to down some pain pills and hope it would get better after a bit. 

The cafe, Cafe Au Lait, was just the same as it had always been. Well, as it had been since he started regularly going there. Walking in was heavenly. The scent of fresh brew coffee hit his nose, warm air wrapped around him, and the sounds of lightly playing music and chattering filled his ears. It was so pleasant and relaxing. He noticed immediately that it wasn’t as busy as it usually would be around this time of day, so that was definitely a plus. 

He greeted the barista that noticed him first(she commented on the fact that it had been a while since she’d seen him), then made his way to his usual seat. The booth in the back of the place, next to a window. Sebastian wasn’t there yet, which was a little bit annoying since he didn’t have too long to sit and waste here without his boyfriend. He pulled his phone out to text Sebastian to ask where he was and how much long it was going to be before he got there, but before he could even pull the text screen up, someone clapped a hand down on the tabletop, clearly trying to get his attention. 

When he looked up, he was greeted by a smiling face. He noted how sharp their teeth looked and how their eyes were two different shades of green(at least, he assumed that’s what it was and not just a glare from the glasses). They wore a far-to-big red sweater that went down to their thighs, lace tights, and black heeled boots. Their extremely long, almost impossibly red hair had a tie loosely at the bottom and they wore a red beanie. 

“Yes?” Ciel pressed, a frown falling onto his own features despite the fact that this person didn’t look like they were going to be rude. 

They took a seat across from him without asking if it was okay or anything. Ciel didn’t object, though he made a point to not look okay with it. 

“You’re Ciel, right? Ciel Phantomhive?” Their smile didn’t fade in the least and they didn’t wait for a  response, “I’m Grell.” 

Ciel knew there was something familiar about that name and about how this person looked, but he couldn’t quite place it. He thought maybe he’d seen them around before, but he wasn’t so sure. 

“Okay? What do you want?” 

“Feisty little brat,” Grell muttered, their smile fading into a frown, “I’m just here to let you know something. Before you get hurt.” 

That got Ciel interested. He wasn’t sure what it could possibly be, but he was paying attention now. His eyes locked onto Grell’s. 

“What is it?”

“I don’t want to crush your little world, but,” they paused for a moment, “Your precious demon Bassy isn’t as honest as you might’ve hoped.”

A confused expression crossed Ciel’s face, “What are you talking about?” 

“Truth is, he and I have been together for some time now. We’re actually engaged.”

“What?” Ciel’s voice leaked disbelief. 

He didn’t know if could believe the word of a total stranger. Especially not someone like this would didn’t entirely seem trustworthy. To back up their statement, Grell held up their left hand, showing off a shiny ring. Gold with a ruby stone in the center. 

“He got for me a few months ago. Proposed by this nice little stream in the park and everything.” 

That couldn’t be true, right? There was no way. 

“You’re lying,” Ciel accused, a glare in his eyes. 

“You think so?” Grell’s smile came back and they leaned back against the seat, “He’s using you. For a sex toy. I can’t fathom why.” 

“Get away from me. Now.”

Grell gave a shrug and got up, “I was just trying to warn you before you got hurt.” 

Ciel didn’t say anything to that. He kept his eyes on the table and listened to make sure they were leaving. He heard their boots click against the floor, slowly getting quieter. Then, the doorbell rang to let him know they’d walked outside. He didn’t believe it. It just couldn’t be true. It was impossible. Sebastian had assured him that he wouldn’t lie. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the red flash of the sweater Grell had been wear and it brought his attention to the window, showing the outside world. It was a nice day, blue skies and decent temperature. But that didn’t matter to him anymore. Not as he sat there watching as that person he’d just met practically tackled Sebastian(presumably on his way into the cafe) in a hug. He watched Sebastian place his hands against Grell’s waist. Their exchanged some words, who knows what. Ciel really didn’t care because those touches were all he needed to confirm the words of that stranger. Sebastian had been lying to him all this time.

Before his tea even arrived, he’d pushed himself up and had quickly went for the exit of the cafe. He wanted to go back to work or go home or be  _ somewhere  _ that wasn’t here. He didn’t want to see Sebastian, didn’t want to talk to Sebastian. He wanted nothing to do with that damn creature. Not if he was just going to be some plaything to him. 

He didn’t get too far away before he could hear Sebastian’s voice call after him. 

“Ciel!” 

He ignored it and continued on his path. 

“Wait, where are you going?” Sebastian called again. 

Ciel could hear footsteps quickly approaching behind him. He continued to ignore the calls. He felt a hand grip his arm, forcing him to stop. A split second was all it took for him to swing the opposite hand up and land a sharp slap to the demon’s cheek. A glare was on his face. 

The shit the hit had caused gave him time to yank his arm away. He took a few steps back. If looks could kill, Sebastian would be back in hell where he belonged. 

“Stay away from me,” Ciel demanded, his tone conveying his anger, “Stay the hell away from me!” 

Sebastian opened his mouth to say something, confusion on his face. 

“Don’t  speak, you disgusting creature,” Ciel was hurt and angry, “I don’t want you near me, I don’t want you talking to me, I don’t want you in my sights anymore.” 

He turned on his heel and started walking off again, leaving Sebastian to stand there, dumbfounded. 

Before he got too far out of hearing range, he paused to speak, “It sucks losing your play toy, doesn’t it?” 

And with that, he walked away.


	9. Chapter 9

5 Missed Calls

12 Unread Messages

 

The light on his phone flashed to let him know that the almost constant buzzing for the last several minutes meant that he’d been getting calls and texts. After leaving Sebastian behind, Ciel made his way back to his apartment. He’d called his boss and let her know that he wasn’t going to be able to make it back for the rest of his shift. She didn’t care at all. 

Now, in his apartment with the door locked, he sat on his couch. His knees were pulled up to his chest and he was hugging them while he tried his damnedest to focus on what was playing on his TV. He’d turned on something random to keep his mind off things. He had no idea what it was. His phone rest on the coffee table. From all the calls and messages, the vibrations had almost knocked it off the table. 

The phone buzzed again. The one-time vibration let him know it was a text instead of a call. This was when Ciel decided he’d check the messages. 

The majority of the texts said things like ‘what happened?’, ‘why are you mad?’, ‘I’m sorry for whatever it was,’ as well as several ‘please answer me,’ texts. 

Ciel wasn’t sure if he could respond. He didn’t know if he wanted to give this damn bastard the honor of getting a response. He got to the bottom of the messages. The most recent one read, ‘Whatever Grell said, I can guarantee it isn’t true.’ 

He didn’t know if he could believe that. Sebastian had felt the need to clarify that and that only made it seem less trustworthy. That person had been very confident in what they were saying and even had a ring on his left hand to prove what he was saying was true. 

Ciel typed out several different variants of ‘fuck off’, all worded in different ways, but would decide to delete the text, thinking it not good enough to really express his anger. In the end, he didn’t send anything in return. He just let out a very frustrated huff and tossed his phone onto the table with a loud thunk. 

He didn’t understand how he could have been so naive and childish. To let a demon like Sebastian into his life, even letting him take his heart. What kind of idiot was he? Sebastian was a  _ demon _ . They’re not trustworthy. On top of that, the memories he had of a life he hardly remembered could all be false. The demon could have placed them there himself. He hated Sebastian. He hated himself. His chest hurt, his head hurt, his… well his everything hurt.

If he had alcohol, he’d be drinking it. It’s not that he couldn’t afford it, it was that he really didn’t want to leave his house lest he run into Sebastian in public. He wouldn’t even be surprised if the demon was coming to his apartment currently. There would probably be banging on the door momentarily and Sebastian’s voice on the other side trying to coax him to open the door. 

All Ciel could really think about was the fact that Sebastian had been using him. What really was the reason for that? Grell had said it was for sex, but if that were the case, it seemed like the demon was taking his sweet time getting to that. Perhaps he was upset about the meal he lost through mortal human circumstances. Maybe all of this was to get his soul to taste just right. Maybe the stupidity of a human amused the demon and he was just toying with him until he finally decided to eat. 

There was light, almost hesitant knocks on his door that just barely pulled him from his thoughts. He paused to make sure it was real. When they came again, he realized who it probably was. He debated staying on the couch until he went away, but didn’t have it in him. He silently slipped off the couch and made his way over to the door. 

He had to slightly get on the tips of his toes to see through the peep-hole, but when he did, he wasn’t greeted with who he thought it was going to be. Instead, the large, worried green eyes of Elizabeth were scanning the door. Ciel immediately opened the door for her, a confused expression on his face. 

“Lizzy? What are you doing here?” 

She put on a worried smile and lifted a paper bag that was in her hands. He’d failed to notice it before despite the fact that he could remember hearing it crinkle. 

“I heard you called in on the rest of your shift,” Lizzy started, “And I’m on break, so I thought I’d go get you some soup from the store. I know you’re not sick, but soup always makes me feel better.”

Lizzy was always such a nice, innocent girl who didn’t deserve any wrong in her life. She did so many good things for so many people. It was really endearing to see, if he were going to be honest. 

He took the bag from her and sent her a smile, “Thank you, Elizabeth,” he paused for a moment, debating rather or not he wanted to invite her in. There wasn’t any harm in it, though, so he put on a smile, “I know you don’t have that much of a break left, but do you want to come in?” 

She nodded and he stepped aside to let her in. This wasn’t the first time she’d been to his apartment. They were close friends, after all. So she’d been over for coffee or lunch a couple times. It was always nice talking to her. She had a positive outlook on life and saw the good in everyone and every situation. If anyone was ever feeling down, it was almost guaranteed that she’d be able to make them feel better. And right now, that’s exactly what he needed. 

“Are you going to be okay here by yourself?” She asked after taking a seat on the couch, “What if something happens?”

“I’m almost completely healed, Lizzy, I’ll be fine,” Ciel assured. 

“Can I call Sebastian for you? He seems to take care of you.” 

“No,” he snapped. 

He’d sounded angrier than he wanted to. She was certainly going to notice and the look on her face told him that she had. A silence fell between them for a long moment before she’d worked up the courage to ask. 

“Did something happen between you? You seemed so happy together.”

Ciel remained quiet, avoiding looking at her. She really didn’t need to hear his problems or get in his business. 

“We just-” he paused, trying to think of what exactly to say, “We’re not together anymore, okay?” 

All of this happened in a day. Only a day. It was funny how everything in your world could come crashing down in a matter of minutes. Grell had only been talking to him for about ten minutes and had managed to shatter everything that he’d built up. Everything that he thought was right or that he thought he had. 

“Oh,” her voice was soft and she looked down. 

“It’s fine, though.”

He wasn’t about to make her feel sorry for him. It’s not like it mattered that much. It’s not like him and Sebastian had been together for years. He knew he shouldn’t have let himself get too involved, but he was stupid. It was his fault and no one else’s. There wasn’t enough time now for there to be a silence to follow. She checked the time, realized how late it was getting, then got up. 

“If you want to talk, I’m always here,” she put her hand on his shoulder for only a moment, smiling sadly at him, “See you later.” 

Ciel didn’t watch her leave. He just listened for the door to close behind her. Once he was alone again in his small flat, he let out a long sigh. He didn’t want to be left alone in his thoughts again, but it didn’t seem like there was anything he could do. He refused to respond to Sebastian’s texts. He refused to let that damn demon get to him more than he already was. 

All he really wanted to was sit there, alone in his apartment with nothing but his thoughts, but he knew that was the worst possible thing he could do. It meant depression and it meant wallowing in his own self-pity. That was not something his pride was going to let him do. So, he went to change out of his scrubs, throwing on jeans and a hoodie(he pulled the hood up over his head to hide his face) and grabbed his wallet, phone, and headphones. 

As he left his apartment, hoping to everything that he wasn’t going to run into Sebastian, he plugged his headphone into his phone and turned on something to listen to. He had a playlist of songs that he liked. He didn’t listen to music too often, but sometimes it was nice to just drown the world out. Like right now. 

Music began to blare in his ears and he took every step with a purpose. He didn’t know where he was going, but it wasn’t anywhere near where he thought be might run into that demon. He was going to avoid the cafe like the plague and anywhere he and Sebastian had ever been throughout the time they were dating. 

His hands(one gripping his phone) were shoved in his jacket pocket and his eyes were forward. He was going to parts of the city he hadn’t been to. Toward the outskirts of London. With music passing time in his ears and with his thoughts occupied by everything that had been happening, he didn’t even realize how long he’d been away from home and how far he’d walked. He must have been gone for at least an hour and a half if not more, probably more. 

His feet were carrying him to places he’d never been. Not in this time, at least. He knew where he was going and yet, he’d never seen any of the areas he was at. Each step seemed to planned, each turn seemed like he  _ knew  _ where he was going. 

It was starting to get dark by the time he reached a dirt path. It was just barely noticeable through overgrown woods. He glanced around, first, to make sure he wasn’t being watched before he disappeared onto the path. He didn’t know where it lead, but it was certainly familiar to him. He wasn’t even sure where it could possibly lead. 

It was evident that wherever he was going hadn’t been taken care of in years. He had to fight his way through branches and leaves and weeds. Grass that was taller than his knees. Even with all of this, he still pushed on. Something was telling him to, something inside him told him this was where he needed to be. 

 

After the woods was a large clearing. The sun was falling very quickly, now. He continued on. For a long time more he walked. He had to pull his phone out for a flashlight, but he went on. His side hurt like hell and he was beginning to think this was all for naught when he noticed what looked like a large manner outlined in darkness in the distance. 

Now, you would think it would be a smart idea to turn around or call someone or  _ something _ other than go up to this ruined, giant ass house. When he finally got up to it, with a bit of examination with his light, he could see that there were breaks in the windows, weeds growing all around the outside and not all of the walls seemed like they’d stayed in tact. It was just an ugly reminder of what was once here. 

Ciel had already let a demon into his heart like an idiot, so there wasn’t much more that he could do that would be considered even dumber. Taking in a break, he found an entrance to the place. His way in was through a double door entrance. One door was swung open, but not completely on its hinges and the other was on the ground, rotting away. 

As he walked further into this place, he began to recognize more and more of the area. He seemed to know exactly where to go to find a bedroom or a kitchen, even a study. He was sure he’d never actually been here, though. 

Could this have, at one time, been the Phantomhive manner? Back in the time when he was an earl? Probably. That seemed likely to be why he had such a familiar feeling toward this place. 

The large staircase leading up to a top floor didn’t seem very reliable. Wood steps that were rotting away. Some steps had holes, some were completely missing. It didn’t look like he was going to be able to make it up those, so he decided to explore only the bottom floor. 

With his phone being his flashlight, he went through the dark halls. He let his feet lead him. As he walked, he became overly aware that he could hear his heart beating rapidly in his chest and he could hear every step he took. That lead him to realize that his music had abruptly stopped. His hearing was only slightly muffled from the headphones, but he could hear everything around him. 

The night bugs, an owl hooting in the distance, his steps echoing off the empty walls, even his own breath. It eerie, actually. It sent shivers through his spine and caused the hair on his arms to stand on in. He thought, for a second, that he should stop. That maybe he should run from here and not return. Forget about all of this. But he was close to something so familiar, something he wanted to see. 

A narrow hall with doors lining each side. He was heading for the room at the end of this hall. He glanced back every once in awhile to make sure no one or thing was following him. He was alone here. As he got to the room his mind told him to go to, he reached out and grabbed the knob. 

He heard something like a foot step and snapped his eyes down the hall he’d just traveled. For only a second he thought he could see a flash of red. Maybe red hair, like that Grell person was here, but why would they be? He must have just been seeing things. He took in a shaky breath, closed his eyes for a moment to regain himself, then went back to the door. 

He turned the knob. There was only a little bit of resistance from where the wood was swollen from the water that had leaked onto it, but he was able to force it open. The room on the other side was significantly different from the rest of the place. 

This room was clean, neat, and taken care of. There was no indication that it lie in the middle of a rotting mansion. The ceiling and walls were perfectly together, the floor looked as though it had been freshly cleaned, and the furniture(a bed and a dresser) looked new. He could see on the walls, painting hung. Old paintings of people long since passed. A family of people that looked like his own family. And tucked in the side of the mirror was a picture showing a younger him asleep with Sebastian standing next to him. 

He couldn’t recall the moments that these happened, but that didn’t matter right now. This was Sebastian’s servant’s quarters long ago. It looked as though the demon had remained here throughout the years he was waiting for Ciel to return. He took care of this room, but didn’t keep up the rest of the mansion. He probably didn’t care to. It looked like all he cared about was Ciel. 

There was nothing showing that what Grell had said had been the truth. Nothing to show that Sebastian and Grell had ever been together. Maybe Grell had been lying. Mabe Sebastian had been telling the truth. 

It hurt Ciel to think that. There had been so many times since he and Sebastian had met that he didn’t trust the demon. He was immature for getting mad at Sebastian so many times and not letting him give his side of the story before just going with assumptions. Still, something in him couldn’t believe that Sebastian really loved him. Something in him  _ knew  _ Sebastian only thought of him as a meal, even if it wasn’t true. The demon seemed to really care about him, to have really been upset about his previous death. Yet, he couldn’t bring it in him to trust him completely. That wasn’t exactly a healthy relationship, was it? 

He sighed and continued into the room. It was warm enough in there and the bed seemed stable, so he took a seat there. It was soft and didn’t even squeak as he sat down. He shined his light around, continuing to look around the room. 

He hadn’t gotten a text or a call from Sebastian for a long time now. It had given him time to think. To realize that he was stupid. He laid down on the bed, got as comfortable as he could, and went through his phone messages. He’d gotten so many texts from the demon begging him to respond and begging him to explain why he was mad. 

He tried his best to think about what he should respond, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually type anything. He laid there for a long time, going through words in his mind. Eventually, he’d just closed the messages out and set his phone down on his chest, staring up at the ceiling, deep in thought. 

 

It felt like a blink. That’s all it seemed like. One moment, he was staring up into the darkness of the room and the next, light was seeping through the window of the room. He didn’t feel very rested. He still felt horribly exhausted. He forced himself to sit up, then checked his phone. It was nearly dead and he had several messages to read. 

Opening them, he found that a few of them were from Lizzy asking where he was. He checked the time. It was nearly noon. He hadn’t shown up for work or called. She said she went by his apartment, but he wasn’t there. She also expressed how worried she was. He chose not to text her back. The rest of the messages came from Sebastian. He was still worried about their relationship and about why Ciel was made at him. 

Ciel rubbed the sleep from his eyes while he thought about what he was going to do. It was going to be a long walk back to the city to hail a taxi, but it didn’t seem like he had much of a choice since he’d somehow fallen asleep here. 

He needed to apologize to Sebastian and they needed to sit down and have a long talk about the past and about their relationship. He should probably get home, first, though, right? Because being in his old mansion, of all places, seemed like a horrible place to call Sebastian. That would be an awkward conversation. 

He pushed himself up off the bed. For a moment, he was okay, but he quickly began to feel an immense pain in his side. Fuck, all that walking and not having any medicine in him must have done a number on his still healing wound. His hand instinctively went to where the pain was, pressing against it. It was hard to breathe because of it. He sat back down and pulled out his phone, using what was left of the batter to call Sebastian because he was going to need help getting back home.

It rang for a bit, almost making him think Sebastian wasn’t going to answer, then, “Ciel? Where are you? Are you alright?” 

It was almost amusing how worried Sebastian was for his well-being. He was fine, though. Just in a bit of pain from an old injury. It took him a minute to work up the ability to speak. 

“I-I’m fine,” he started out, the pain evident in his voice, “I just strayed a little too far from home.”

“Well, where are you? I’ll come get you.”

Ciel forced himself up again. If Sebastian was going to come get him, he wasn’t going to be found in the demon’s room. He would wait for him outside. He pushed through the pain and started walking out of the room. 

“I’m at the old mansion. Don’t ask how I got here, just come get me.” 

“Okay, I’ll be there momentarily.” 

Sebastian was fast, so Ciel would have to be quicker getting out of the building. The hallway was long, though. Sebastian was certainly going to get there before he was out of that hallway. 

“Thanks.” 

There was a click and the call was ended. He shoved his phone into his pocket and used his new hand(the other one was still pressed to his side) to hold him up by putting it against the wall. He guided himself like this. The pain was almost unbearable. His breath was heavy and coming out in short spurts and his sight was growing dim. His stomach felt like it was twisting, his head felt light, and the place was spinning all around him. 

He felt like he was going to pass out. Where the hell was Sebastian? He was quick and should be here by now. Ciel tried to press on, he tried his best to continue until he was out of the mansion, but as he took one step, everything twisted and distorted around him and before he knew what was happening, he felt a sharp pain to his back and the back of his head. 

It took him a moment to process everything before he realized he was on the ground. The ceiling above him spun round and round. It was getting harder to breathe and his heart beat so hard against his chest. It felt like it might burst out. He felt horrible. He was in so much pain and he couldn’t move. 

“Se-” he tried to speak, to call out for the demon, but he couldn’t really get his voice to work. 

With the little bit of energy he had, he lifted his shirt and his head to peer down at the injury. The area around it was bruised. Red and purple and black surrounded the once stitched area. As a nurse, he knew exactly what that meant and he needed to get to a hospital in seconds or he’d die. A spot they’d fixed up that the bullet hit inside him must have broken open. He was bleeding to death on the inside. 

His head fell back again and he closed his eyes, trying to force everything to stop spinning. If Sebastian didn’t get here quickly, he was a goner. And this was not the way he wanted to die. He wasn’t even going to be able to say goodbye to Sebastian or clear up their situation and tell him that he really did love him. There wasn’t going to be a happy ending ever for him. 

Despite the fact that there was a ringing in his ears, he could hear footsteps and a bit of hope came up in him. 

“Sebastian,” he managed out through a broken voice. 

Instead of the familiar silky smooth voice he wanted to hear, someone else’s tones came crashing down onto him. 

“Sorry, kid. Bassy’s not here.” 

It took him a moment to figure out who it was. Then, he realized, it was Grell. And he had seen them the night before. The heels of their shoes clicked closer and something that sounded like pages being turned. 

“I bet you’re wondering why I’m here, right?” Grell mused, amusement in his voice, “It says right here that Ciel Phantomhive is to die today.”

How would Grell know that, though? Ciel couldn’t get his mind to wrap around it or anything, for that matter. He dying and this person was doing nothing to help. It didn’t seem like they really wanted to, anyway. He was just going to die here. 

It was slowly getting harder and harder to breathe. He could hear that Grell was still talking, but he couldn’t understand what was being said to him. With the last bit of mind he had left, he apologized repeatedly to Sebastian. He assured him that he loved him, despite the fact that he knew Sebastian couldn’t hear him and probably had no idea what was happening. But all he could do was think about how much he loved Sebastian and how sorry he was for leaving him behind again. 

He felt something slide down his cheek and realized, just as everything was disappearing, that he was crying. His last breath was a sharp, painful inhale. It left as a slow, soft breath. Nothing hurt anymore. Every bit of pain he was feeling was gone. Everything he was thinking or could ever think was gone. There was nothing left. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'd just like to thank you so much for the comments and support throughout writing this. I'm really glad it's done pretty well!   
> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks goes to my girlfriend TheShippingGhost for helping me with editing and plot on this story.  
> Also, thanks to you guys for all the support. :)


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